RANT

Damn kids.

2004-03-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

I have noticed that I have become one of those suburban assholish people. The kids that live next door to us are constantly making noise and I’m all Mr. Heckles about it, or Mrs. Heckles because I am, in fact, a girl. I’m always saying things like, ‘Jesus – I think they are breaking down the wall’ and ‘at this rate they’ll kill each other before the week is out’.

On some level, I do feel sorry for these kids because they live in a itty bitty townhouse that is attached on both sides, to us and another one. I never see any parents come out of that house so I am assuming that they either work a lot or we have our own little Neverneverland right next door.

But, man. These kids stand in front of their house and just scream. About nothing. And everything. It doesn’t matter if they are just screaming to one of their friends about giving back a ball or the rules to a game. The thing that sucks about this is the fact that they are loud as hell. In a normal neighborhood where everyone isn’t living on top of one another it would be bad enough but townhouses make it more of a ‘my front yard is your yard’ because they are only as wide as the house, which is about fifteen feet, including the walkway. These kids piss me off so much that I am run-on sentencing. I only do that when I feel really passionate or pissed about something.

And then there is the whole spill over problem because these kids have no concept of boundaries. Tonight I pulled up and found a volleyball in my front ‘yard’. A few days ago I almost killed myself tripping over a scooter-thingy. For as many toys that these kids have I never really see them using them. I think they just toss them around outside and then go back in to continue tearing up the inside of their house.

The smallest kid is really nice but really annoying as well. I was shoveling snow in like January and I was talking to him because he was outside hanging out. It’s hard to ignore the constant questioning of ‘why?’ so I just talked to him. I didn’t think anything of it until he invited himself over to our house to watch movies. I got out of it by saying that I was very busy with schoolwork.

For the longest time, he would ring the doorbell and ask if we were walking our dog. I am assuming he means to ask if we will be walking our dog because he wants to walk his dog with ours. Our dog is honestly ten times bigger than his (he has a Chihuahua). There are so many levels why a dog walking party wouldn’t work – this is one. The other is that I just don’t want to jump up and take the dog out everytime he asks. And Olive (our dog) goes into happy fits when the doorbell rings so it takes about five minutes to calm her down.

So, as you can see I’ve become one of those people that never looks their neighbors in the eye for fear that I will have to hold a conversation, an impromptu movie viewing where the guests invite themselves over, or a barrage of questions about when my dog goes outside.

At least I don’t yell and cuss at my flowers, like the guy a few doors down. HE is a little scary. I’m not scary – yet. I'm sure given enough time I will be muttering to myself as I shuffle to the mailbox in my bathrobe. I have already shaken my head in confusion this week as I said, "kids these days".

sigh

2004-03-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

Getting really busy and had a late night last night. Someday I will be able to update with something other than updates about when I might update.

Sexual Renaissance? Bandwagon believers? Eh.

2004-03-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

Sex sells but so does religion....

OK, there have been a lot of editorials out about the fact that Americans are getting tired of the raunchy things that are in the media, Janet Jackson’s little show just being the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I have a few notes about this that I would like to share –

First of all, every single person that I have spoken to that has seen ‘Passion’ (which I just call the Jesus movie) or read The DaVinci Code is not religious. All of the people that I know that have been associated with these things are trying to get answers for the ‘other’ side of religion, also known as atheists, agnositics or what I like to call the ‘eh’ people. When asked about religion they just say ‘eh’ because they don’t really care one way or another.

I am not saying that I think that people who believe in God, Jesus and religion in general are wrong. I fully support different views because it is what makes the world interesting. I just wish we could all get along despite the differences that we have.

I do, however, have a problem with people who say that religion is ‘back’ because all of the hype for Mel Gibson’s movie and The DaVinci Code. All I really want is some charts, maybe even some numbers, that show the ratios between the people that are believers, the ones that are fence riders and the ones that are ‘just browsing’ for entertainment purposes. I just want to see some hard facts about the audience for these things. I think the media just needs a new thing for people to strive for.

Just because books and movies that are centered on religion are popular does not mean that religion is any more popular than it was a year or two ago before all of the hype. And honestly, anybody who jumps on a bandwagon because of the current media in the world needs to delve deeper into their own mind to find their own real opinion, not one from a movie screen or book critic. I’m all for reading books that are recommended or popular but I respect people more when they form their own opinions, questions and answers after they have absorbed the information.

I guess I just feel that people are taking so many things so seriously lately. All of the sudden it was just terrible to see the ‘accidental nipple’. Granted, I’m not one who wants to see nipples all over TV but is it really all that terrible? Does the public really feel that they need to run, not walk to the nearest place of worship because of a nipple?

If the media drives people to church will they be there next year? Or will they, like sheep, just wait for the next revolution – whatever it is and jump on another wagon. Is the world so lacking in self-confidence that we can’t hold an opinion anymore? We’re full of critics for movies, books, art, and food – will we eventually have critics for religion, sex and life choices? Will someone just go on the news after the weather and before sports and tell all of us what to think and how to act? On some level I think it is done already but it seems that we are all so busy living our lives that we are forgetting the very thing that separates us from plants: thought.

Not that I don’t sit around on my ass every once in a while and veg in front of the TV but I’d like to think that I do have thought processes aside from those that I am told to have. The media has been telling us that ‘sex sells’ for a long time. Even kids know it. Apparently, blowjobs aren’t considered sex to the younger crowd now. They know what kind of power sex can have. The phrase is worn out.

Did the media see this and decide that it was getting old? Or is there actually a group of Americans who believe that things have gone too far with the whole ‘sex sells’ thing? I tend to agree – I don’t think that ten year olds should know more about sex than their parents and I don’t like the idea that a child in junior high can shock me with her sexual experience.

Is there just a pattern forming? Is the moral pendulum just swinging back from free love and pre-teen sex to a more religious society where no one gets the milk for free? In a hundred years will people decide that we are too stuffy and will a new sexual revolution start all over again? I have begun to notice that getting married younger is becoming more popular. MTV had a program on the other day where couples were getting married over Spring Break.

I just wonder if, in half a century, we will look back on the things that are happening in our society now and shake our heads or applaud our little sexual renaissance. Or am I just making a huge deal out of nothing?

A little preview of what's coming to RANT soon.

2004-03-18T09:04:00.000-05:00

Hi.

I know I'm beginning to fall off the face of the earth more and more but I've just been busy and I haven't felt like writing anything lately. I've been doing so much writing elsewhere that sometimes the thought makes my stomach absolutely turn. But, I will get a good entry out full of the crazy yet still quite boring adventures before the weekend is over.

It'll be full of what I did for Spring Break, my adventures with martinis and what I've heard lately in the news that really pissed me off.

Anyway, I must read about half of a book before I head to class today and write up some drivel about Henry VI or is it IV - stupid roman numerals always confuse me! Oh, I'm also gonna add my adventures at the Shakespeare Theatre with the upper crust that was in attendance for the evening. Jolly good.

Last year's Easter gathering was totally a cake walk.

2004-03-05T09:06:00.000-05:00

Kelly sent me her draft invite for her Annual Easter gathering. They always order a case of wine from Husch in California and someone always get ridiculously drunk. The kind of drunk where someone comments “Man, I remember my first beer”. Stemware was broken last year and little dances were done. It was Luke’s turn last year to find out about the dangerously strong Husch wine so all of the accidental breaking and dancing was his doing. We sat out on their balcony above Bethesda, it was sunny and gorgeous and Luke ended up getting quite tipsy by about 4 or 5PM. I just watched in horror as my husband morphed into a red-faced prancing man and also played a bit part as the guy who kept hitting his head on the glass door that his chair was in front of because his neck had given up at some point.

We all still laugh about this because some of really quality phrases came out of that night, none of which Luke remembers, which makes it more funny. For whatever reason we were all talking about skin disorders at one point, I’m not sure why but it yielded a now famous quote from Luke. As we were talking about it, he lifted his head a little, as if to shake of the drunken haze, tried to focus correctly and said with a little huff, “Hey...ezcema’s no cake walk!”. He even used the obligatory ‘drunk finger’, where they point in no particular direction to emphasize their point. Analysis of this phrase and the general personality of Luke will show that not only is it funny because Luke never gets that drunk, or if he does I am too drunk myself to notice, and the drunk finger is always funny. The other thing is the fact that he used the phrase ‘cake walk’ which he not only has never used in his life, but has no recollection of at all.

And at one point, Kelly told the slightly red-faced Luke that he was just too cute and Luke replied by prancing around. Never, ever had I seen this man prance. It was like he was on a runway and feeling the funk. At that point I just said, “Yeah...it’s time to go home, NOW.” Of course, I had to take a second to get over my shock because it was just so weird to see him like that. After we got him out of the apartment and into the car all he said before he passed out was “please don’t hit any potholes, I don’t think I’ll be able to take it”. The embarrasment was so worth it because every once in a while someone will say that something is “no cake walk” and we all will just howl – and Luke will just stand there trying to understand. He’s good natured about it though, each time someone brings it up I can tell he’s racking his brain to see if he can remember it.

This year, we’re gonna rent a room in their building for the night so we can truly take advantage of the drunken revelry. The party starts at 3PM this year and goes until “Luke falls down (so come early!)” I laughed so hard when I saw that that I almost pulled a muscle.

Hhhuungovah

2004-03-02T09:07:00.000-05:00

Sunday night I attended the most fabulous Oscar party, courtesy of the Most Fabulous Kelly and the Very Understanding and Equally Fabulous Mike. We started of the evening at Mike and Barb’s house. The guys tried out a new singer so we girls took our usual positions on the chair next to the kitchen island to read InStyle and US Weekly. Barb turned on E! for the ‘pregame’ show and that’s when all hell broke loose.

Heads are probably rolling in Hollywood because there was a specific actress last night whose head could have easily rolled for days, what with the lil’ helmet monstrosity that was her hairstyle for the grand event. Marcia Gay Harden, who apparently wanted to emulate her pregnant belly, had the highest and roundest helmet hair I have ever seen. Even my own mother can’t get her hair that perfectly shaped and my momma’ has a lotta’ practice on her side. The first thing that came out of my mouth was that her head looked as pregnant as the rest of her.

After the guys finished their band practice, I went to Mike and Kelly’s house to watch the rest of the Oscars. Luke went to a concert in DC because 1) he wanted to and 2) he can’t take two drunk women in evening gowns oh-my-goding all over the place about hair and dresses. Anyway, off to Mike and Kelly’s we went. Upon arrival, I was promptly handed a glass of champagne and given a gown to wear. My day just didn’t permit me to leave my house with any sense whatsoever so I, of course, walked out the door without a thing to wear for the event.

We were quite giggly throughout the whole thing and I must say that that is the first time I’ve actually been able to stay awake through the whole thing. Every time The Lord of the Rings was up for something they would show what I now just call ‘the guys’ and I would squeak in what I am sure is the most annoying voice every, far ahead of Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber – “the hobbits!”. After me drinking a lot and their winning a lot the slurs got more interesting and I had to be quick because they won something every five minutes so it started sounding something like “thar’s dem hobbitzes...zes (insert giggle)”.

It was so much fun just giggling about people’s hair and forging a new respect for Johnny Depp. This year, I noticed a lot more interesting camera work than years before. When someone won and thanked Tom Cruise for being honest, the TV was immediately filled with a shot of Nicole Kidman with a ‘I know I’m on camera and will not have any reaction’ look. Other funny shots were of Johnny Depp, who looked like he had just taken a seat in hell or something. From what I understand, he is very ‘damn the man, the academy, etc.’ so he looked none too happy to be sitting there for three hours.

The drunken observation that we made were: Catherine Zeta-Jones looked like she had either Saran Wrapped her stomach under her dress and her hip fat was not included or, well, that’s what she looked like there is no other option. Jamie Lee Curtis’ boobs were at any moment about to fly out at any given moment. Peter Jackson is in serious need of a makeover. Ian McKellan is a silver fox, as is Sean Connery.

Three bottles of champagne (between the two of us, not just me) later and eleven wins by Lord of the Rings, I was safety nestled in the car as Luke drove home. Monday morning, I felt like ass when I woke up and wondered what cat snuck into the house, up the stairs, into our room, jumped on the bed and shit in my mouth. Everything tasted bad and felt worse. But it was worth it. So totally worth it.

I'm gonna pahhty like it's my burfday.....

2004-02-26T09:08:00.000-05:00

Ferris Bueller and I share nothing but interesting names that professors can turn into droning, mind numbing words:

“Bue lhur? Bue lhur? Is…Ferris Bue lhur here?”

“Mis lyhn ski? Mis lyhn ski? Is Jennifer Mis lyhn ski here?”

and the fact that we both skipped a day of school and had mad, crazy adventures.

Except for the fact that my mad, crazy adventures were more of the couch potato, internet surfing type and Ferris actually left the house. But, whatever – who’s really keeping track? Oh, yeah, that would be me.

I didn’t get to go to a fancy restaurant for lunch and skip out on the bill, no one called me Abe Froman – Sausage King of Chicago and I certainly did not sing “Danke Sien” in a parade. But I did watch Sex and the City and they talked about Prada. Parade, Prada? Too much like Uma...Oprah? Yeah, I thought so, too but I didn’t listen to that voice – I listened to the same one that told me to skip school and watch TV. At this point I would try to redeem any comedic quality that this entry had the potential of holding by saying something about the Sex and the City ladies and their relationship with the sausage kings of New York but I’m trying to keep it clean here, folks.

The reason for my day off on Tuesday of this week is that it was my birthday, which just fueled my proverbial fire of irresponsibility. I thought that it would be the perfect act of rebellion for me. So, I looked at the day ahead, flipped it off with flair and settled in for a day of rejoicing in my girly TV and irrational behavior. Looking back I should have sang, “My values, my values, my values a’on fire! I ain’t got no water – let the mutha fucka burn. Burn mutha fucka, burn” to my little bonfire full of common sense but, alas, I did not. Again, the comedic level of this entry already plummeted with the Parade, Prada thing so there’s no point in trying to redeem. Skipping school is not a completely terrible thing to do but I would not exactly recommend it. Watch me get walking pneumonia or something now and not have any ‘sick days’ left at school.

So, I’m 24 – not old, not young, just kinda’…here. I am uncomfortably placed in between the Age of Legal Drinking (21) and the Age of Lower Car Insurance (25).

In other news: This is just too damn cool : www.amiannoying.com. I took the test, apparently I’m not annoying. They probably just need to recount or something.

Shrieking and screaming during Sex

2004-02-23T09:11:00.000-05:00

So, (sigh) last night was the final episode of Sex and The City. I was not watching the show while it was actually on because of a few reasons: I’m too cheap to get HBO and I never seem to get with a trend until it’s already over. What I’m basically saying is that I’m cheap AND out of style. Still love me? Yeah, I thought not.

If you are going to continue to read the diary of a cheap, outmoded lady then I will go on with my story –

We met at Mike and Barb’s house, the guys had practice and the girls fully planned on watching S&TC and drinking pretty, yummy concoctions of alcohol. I, in the spirit of the occasion and the 10 pounds of ass that I have recently lost, wore some really cool gold pants and my now apparently trademark black shirt, oh, and my black velvet 6 inch boots.

So, armed with a martini shaker and some Absolut Vanilla, I was totally set. We watched the pre-show, aptly named by one of the guys as ‘Foreplay’. Though I’ve only seen one episode of the show (the one last week) I was still sad. It must be difficult to work so closely with people for so long and then, just, not anymore.

Then the show began. Barb, Kelly and I were one voice as we were watching the show. Our screeches of excitement and ‘don’t do it, Carrie!’ phrases were completely in sync. It’s like we had formed a S&TC army and were calling cadence as the girls marched on through the last show. I, of course, said more than I should about all of the guys on the show. Everytime Smith showed up, I would say, “he’s so pretty” or “he…” and shake my head in amazement. No one on earth should be so…that. I’m trying to find a picture to prove my point. And after a few things happened with Carrie and the Russian guy, I would just blurt 'asshole' or some other equally ladylike phrase. (Because I'm SUCH a lady ya' know!)

So, the show was really great and it was so much fun to just scream and shriek at certain parts. When Big showed up and was going to beat up the Russian guy and he ran up the six flights of stairs to complete his quest, we girls were just all a-squeak and chatter with excitement. It was one of those TV moments where you shift in your seat and sit on your feet in what must be the now called the ‘good TV’ yoga pose. (Legs under you and balls of feet near ass, knees pointed toward TV).

This pose is ideal for watching TV because you can hop up fast if something good happens so there is always a graceful and easy lapse into ‘good TV dance’ which is usually just hopping with your arms in what I like to call the ‘dorky freak’ pose. (Arms bent and close to sides of body, elbows pointing to floor, hands usually either clapping uncontrollably or flailing slighty).

Now I want to go rent all of the episodes, especially since I found the Sex and The City drinking game.

Wha? Uh...I don't know

2004-02-19T09:14:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I am all for the rights of animals and people, free trade and free speech. I do in no way disagree with anyone when they say that the world needs to change. I do, however, disagree with people when they push their politics upon others. It's just rude and I'm sure that their momma would be pissed if they knew what their children were doing.

The other day I was walking to my car from Spanish class, I had just separated ways with a guy from my class, we were talking about how much we can’t stand the class and how much the joy is sucked out of the language now. I had just passed the statue of George Mason himself when some dude handed me a flier and asked me if I knew that Dick Cheney hated America. I half-laughed, said no, I didn’t know that and politely took the flier but didn’t break my pace. Apparently, my reaction was seen as hostile and I was approached by another politiki, who not only walked right in my line of travel, but pretty much popped the ‘personal space’ bubble while doing so. I stopped to keep from running into him. About a foot and a half or two feet away from my body he stood as he asked, “What is the difference between humans and animals?”

I replied with a not so witty or intelligent “wha? Uh..I don’t know” and looked up at him expecting some kind of answer. It was unfortunate that this guy was tall enough for me to have to crick my neck upward to look at him and even more unfortunate that he chose to park his body directly in front of the sun. He blocked the rays, but not enough for them to still be in my face and for me to have to squint and tilt my head sideways to try to avoid being blinded.

So, at this point I probably looked like I was full on into flirt mode with this dude, head tilted and eyes all squinty. He asked me again, “What is the difference between men and animals?” Thoughts are italicized.

Either this is the worst pick up line the universe has ever known or this guy is totally serious. Is he serious? Oh, I’ll just give an answer and he’ll leave me alone.

“Choice”, I said and started moving around him.

Sweet, now I can leave.

He stepped in front of me again and asked, “so if a dog chooses on food over another that is not a choice? I’m just trying to get you to think – what is the difference between men and animals?”

Huh? I’ve been fucking thinking all day, you ass. Talk about evolution and instinct…say something…shut him up!

“Um…I have to go to work”, I lied

Common courtesy would dictate that he’ll leave me alone now.

“So you don’t think that animals have a choice…if a dog has two options of food and picks a certain food that that action isn’t a choice? Are you sure that is your answer”

No, you ass, it’s not a choice – animals are conditioned to do certain things and instinct also dictates what they will do.

“Uh...Animals don’t have a voice” I said.

That should work. Leave me alone.

“So a parrot who is taught to speak doesn’t have a voice?”

OK, am I on TV or something? Is there a local mental hospital on a field trip today?

“Humans need to understand that other humans should not be treated like animals. Do you realize that there are people in this world who have less of a voice than a parrot? Did you know…”

Aarrghh! What planet are you from? I wonder if I can make my phone ring to have an excuse. He’s talking so fast I can’t get in a word edgewise. Why can’t I get my phone to ring! FFUUCCKK! Oh, if I called myself my voicemail would pick up. Shit. Does he think that he’ll change my mind in any way about whatever he’s talking about?

“…the government is run by anti-American satanists. Did you know that? Are you aware that our economy….

Now you are damning ‘the man’? Well, you sure look comfortable in your Eddie Bauer getup that was probably produced by the very people without a voice that you are talking about. How do you feel about supporting slave labor? God, he hasn’t stopped talking! I can just turn the volume up and down on my phone – that could sound like ringing.

“…and the American dollar will crash and we will be left with nothing. ”

Then you should be saving your money instead of buying lattes, like the one in your hand, dumbass. Yay! I made my phone make noise.

“Um, my phone is ringing – I have to go” I said.

“Well, just think about what I said, will you?”

“Uh, sure.”

People like you are the reason politics has become such a bad word to me. I'm so bleh. about this kind of stuff now and that's so bad. YOU are why.

And I ran like a cheap hooker on Sunset toward a Mercedes. And I didn’t stop until I was out of sight.

Happy Saturday

2004-02-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

Saturday night we had roast lamb and, by the end of the night, two bottles of wine. Not for any reason at all other than the fact that it is something that we wanted to do. Luke and I are both anti-Valentine’s Day. We have quite a few reasons for this and I’ll tell you them all if you are really interested but the biggest one is just because it is so blown out of the original proportions.

A holiday should not stress people out and get them so riled about what to give who and wondering if it is ‘good enough’. Valentine’s Day has morphed into this freakish holiday where couples, mostly men, have to wander the earth for roses marked up 600% and the assortment of candy, of which usually only a third gets eaten because they never tell you what the candy is filled with.

Then you are left to your own devices, which usually are biting into said candy and upon realizing that you don’t like the goo it is filled with, you spit it out. Some people put the other piece (with a bite mark on it) back in it’s place in the box, others throw it away. The whole candy thing is depressing in and of itself because it’s like no one can win by choosing the ‘special assortment of her favorite chocolates’. No matter what, there will be stuff in there that she doesn’t like and she will sit there amongst a box of candy with bite marks on them and think, “Oh, my god? Is my relationship this way? Forrest Gump said that like is like a box of chocolates – what if (insert name of giver of chocolate) is the wrong chocolate?”

Then there is the other scenario where the poor male in the relationship (not monetarily poor but gift giving inadequate or emotionally ‘not quite with it’) gives the wrong V-day gift. Like a gift certificate or something that just plain pisses her off, like, I don’t know, a mix tape gone awry. This same guy, who probably thought for a bit about what to give his girlfriend/wife/whatever will end up getting no love at all on the day of love.

Valentine’s Day is just a way for Hallmark to make money and a way for women to psychoanalyze their relationship to a level that is beyond what it ever really should be analyzed. Hello, they are men – they usually aren’t the greatest gift givers and they sometimes are forgetful. They are constantly asking us where their socks, shoes and wallets are and we get pissed at them for trying to convey their love for us through crappy mass marketed gifts that the media insists they must give or they will get stoned to death? I feel sorry for the average male on days like this, I really do. Women have it so easy in the gift-giving department – nothing is psychoanalyzed, just taken for what it is and that’s it. I once gave Luke a boob remote and it happened to be around Valentine’s Day, I think. He loved that thing.

Anyway, crazy ranting over. We had a great night. We watched TV, drank and giggled. At one point this commercial was on about a new erectile dysfunction medication and warning at the end of the commercial (with the serious, deep voice) was ‘if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours, please seek medical attention’. To which Luke replied with a gyrating crotch and the ‘whhhoooommmm’ sound effect that a Star Wars light saber makes…then he counted down on his watch with a concerned face “3 hours, 58 minutes…3 hours, 59 minutes….(gasp!) 4 HOURS!!! Call 911!”

(sigh) I love that man.

still alive

2004-02-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

Hello all.

I'm still alive. Been really busy with school lately - more tales of woe soon. Maybe tomorrow. I'll think of something funny to write about since I haven't had a funny entry in a while (or, since I started this thing, really).

Anyway, Phoebe's wedding is on tonight so that's exciting. I didn't really realize how sad that statement was until I wrote it. Ugh.

See you manana antes de mi clase de espanol!

So if you aren't able to pigeon-hole my character yet, here's some help.

2004-02-05T09:22:00.000-05:00

I am Nothing!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

I am a Hippy

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

Like sand through the hourglass...so are the days of my life

2004-02-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

OK. I made the mistake of leaving the TV while I was having a salad and reading some email. Now, I’m totally into Days of Our Lives. The dialogue is terrible, it seems that everyone is fighting to get the words out – just really, really bad. But there is something just so bad about it that I am completely intoxicated by it. I have not watched a soap since high school but I somehow have caught up almost completely in the short 15 minutes that it has been on.

Some people look a little older, a little more Hollywood haggard but everybody is still nasty to each other for odd reasons that no normal person can explain and living above the means that the story allows (like being homeless but still having a little bling – wtf?). If I wrote crap like this in my Creative Writing class they’d send me back to Comp 101 – or kick me out of the English program altogether. I’m not trying to knock soap writers; everyone has their personal style in writing that makes them unique. I don’t want an all out war between me and some writer’s union. I’m just asking that they be a little less, uh, creative and a little more realistic. I mean, Sammy and her baby’s daddy are still having problems and are at the moment skirting around the issue that they both are hot for each other. It’s funny – soap operas, which are targeted to an older crowd (I am guessing) have a lower vocabulary level than that of Dawson’s Creek or The O.C., which is targeted to the younger crowd. What are the writers of TV trying to tell the public? Are we getting stupider as we get older?

And Sammy and Lucas are STILL not to the point yet. Just bump uglies and get it over with! She thinks he’s hot, he thinks she’s hot – what is the problem? No one is diseased or spoken for. If normal people took this long to hook up no one under the age of 60 would be having sex. People would be getting false teeth about the same time as they loose their virginity. Oy! And Marlena off killing people all the time?

Or maybe this is an accurate picture of what families are really like, minus the serial killer moms and evil twins. Hmmm….could soap operas BE a commentary on the lives of people in our modern society? Should I write a thesis on this?

Allllrighty - be honest

2004-01-31T09:30:00.000-05:00

Alright everybody -

After days of trying to figure out what storyline to work with for my assignment due on Monday, I decided upon one.

Here it is - I know this is really sad using my fan as a homeworked checker but maybe you'll enjoy it. It's supposed to just be the first "act" of a short story where the narrator, or hero, resigns him/herself to a struggle or challenge and a goal is set.

Please let me know if this is good or crap or a mix of both. It is only supposed to be a page long so that's why it's so short. I'll stop babbling now about it and just let you read it.

Thanks ahead of time, 'yall.

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The woman ran from the small house into the dark night. She thundered down the porch steps and across the sun scorched grass. Her soiled dress flapping around her legs as she leapt barefoot over the rocks and shrubs that hugged the front yard. As her feet hit the pavement of the highway she slowed a little, the soles of her feet not used to the hard surface. As she jogged to her brother’s house, the pounding of the pavement matched the throbbing of her head. Blood was trickling from her nose and she began to feel a bruise well upon her cheek. Her lungs burning with fury and fear, she continued on at her pace, though she knew he would not follow her. He was too drunk to follow her and he didn’t really care about her anyway. Sobs racked her body as she tore across the south Texas landscape.

As she came upon her brother’s house a dog barked dutifully but noticed who the visitor was and went back to it’s station on the porch. The boards under her feet creaked as she shifted back and forth in front of the door. She inhaled slightly and knocked. Heavy footsteps were heard approaching closer and closer to the door. The cicadas were screeching into the summer night.

The porch light flicked on to illuminate the thin woman, her sunken face and the tear tracks drawn on her dirt-smudged face. As her brother opened the door he gasped and quickly opened the screen door for her. As the screen door shut with a slap she began to sob and speak a stream of unintelligible words very quickly. She felt herself being led across the room and her body sunk into a couch.

“Calm down, sister. Shhhh. Calm down. What happened?” her brother asked. He looked at the crown of her tiny head, her wavy hair hanging down grazing her lap and saw tears splashing on the tiny hands that were wringing themselves.

A ragged breath came out of her and she began to speak, “He…came home drunk and angry…told me I was a terrible wife…started beating me.” Her nose squeaked a little as she inhaled deeply. She heard a teakettle whistling loudly in the kitchen. Her sister-in-law, Kay, came into the room with a worried look and a warm, damp towel and began to wipe the tears and blood from her face. Like a child, she let her do it.

Wayne put his large, calloused hand on his little sister’s back and rubbed softly. He looked at his wife, who was holding the chin of her sister-in-law as she wiped the unending flow of tears from her face, and nodded very slightly. The large man quickly and quietly grazed the top of his sisters’ head with his hand and rested it on the back of her little skull. He looked her in the eyes and said, “you stay here with Kay and the kids tonight – everything will be better in the morning.”

“But what if he comes looking for me?”

“Don’t worry, sister, he won’t – get some rest” as he rose from the couch. Kay nodded in agreement and moved to lay the frightened woman down on the couch as her husband spoke, “Kay, will you look after Ruby – I’m gonna’ go talk to some folks in town and see what can be done about this”.

-----------------------------

Brain Exfoliation

2004-01-30T09:31:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been a little out of it. With so many different types of information floating through my mind, I am having issues keeping everything straight. Thanks to a friend, I can define my problem - I am experiencing a bozone layer.

I know it’s not the first time and it will definitely not be the last time educated thought cannot possibly penetrate this strange force field of idiocy that seems to be surrounding me for the past few days. Hopefully, it will go away before tomorrow so I can resume my short story for Monday. Ugh. It is kinda’ fun though because a person can tell me something cool like, “such-and-such is going to be at band practice tonight (Luke’s band)” to which I reply with a full-hearted “YAY!”. To which Luke replied, “Jenn, you already knew that”. A moment of silence on the phone line….”Well, still – yay!”.

It can be entertaining to not remember anything but I don’t like feeling like a complete idiot all the time. Maybe I’m just still trying to slough off the Christmas break. Exfoliation of vacation mode totally sucks! I’ll get over it. My life is pretty damn good – get to wake up next to Luke and spend mornings with Nigel before going off to school. I guess trying to think this much after not thinking for so long is just weird - my brain is still trying to awake from it's long corporate slumber. I'm not saying all people who work all day in corporate offices are brain dead - but I was because creativity was completely frowned upon.

Got Spanish class and writing to do.

Heckling Hemingway

2004-01-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

I think I’m in some serious trouble. A week-ish into the semester and I’m already sick of ‘close reading’. Last night, at the Recitation part of my English Synthesis class, 100 of us performed a close reading of an Ernest Hemingway vigniette. Woo-heeewww! Not only do I absolutely detest Ernest Hemingway but I think the academic community should let the whole deal with deconstructing a work (or in this case, piece of shit) GO. I think it is good to a point, to get your brain working but after a while it gets a little stale.

Is this bad? I really enjoy reading but sometimes I just get tired of analyzing every little thing in it. I am sure that there aren’t many authors that just can wait for their years of work to be reduced to drivel with the aid of a few undergrads and one ‘discussion mediator’ as they are called, normally they are called professors.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my classes – minus Spanish because I miss my professor from last semester – I just have a hard time enjoying the work itself sometimes. I don’t want to be one of those critical people that analyzes everything in the world and ends up in a bar alone screaming about the injustice of the modern whatever. I guess, surprisingly, I’m just not as cynical as I thought.

I’m taking 18 credits – 12 of them are English, then an Art History and Spanish. My Creative Writing class stresses me the most because I haven’t been in that vein of thought for so long. I have to write a short story for Monday and I am hoping that I can get it finished fast enough for ‘yall to read it and critique me. I am sure you are just excited as all hell now. Yeah, I thought so. The inner working of Jenn’s brain – yay.

I have to get to work on a few things before I head to class. Happy Thursday!

Just burrowed out from under a mound of really bad english anthologies and readers

2004-01-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

I know - I know - I've been gone for a while. No excuses is a good excuse but the semester (of 18 credits, by the way) began last week and all I've been doing is reading and writing.

I might be using my small group of readers to critique all of my work for my Creative Writing class. I'm really, really paranoid that I will end up being the one that just has no clue what they are doing. Maybe I should just resign myself to that right now.

Anyway, I have a lot to share but not just yet because I need to head back to campus for my recitation class. Totally blows, class ends at noon on Tuesday and Thursday but I have to go back at 5:55 to sit in a lecture hall for a little over an hour. My driving there, finding a parking spot and driving home is not than an hour - stuff like that is so totally annoying.

I know all of you are just hanging on every completely boring word of this entry but I must away. I'll write a proper entry in the old Jenn form of sarcasm and well, more sarcasm probably tonight or tomorrow.

good-bye girl - please live up to your title and go away

2004-01-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

OK. TNT has been running promos for their made-for-TV movie, The Good-Bye Girl. In proper TNT network fashion, they are showing the movie for three days in a row. This, to me, is just too much.

First of all, Hootie and the Blowfish made a video for the theme song and it is on during every commercial break – day or night. They also have a slew of commercials running constantly. I have heard of this movie or play or whatever but have never seen it – but you can bet your ass that I sure as hell won’t because I am already tired of the thought of it. I don't think it has actually been on TV yet, which is really sad.

It’s not like I was all hyped up about it anyway but I just find the whole thing so incredibly annoying. It is probably a really good story, too. Sucks when 'the man' ruins things for me. But I'm not worried because someday there will be no 'man' for all of us to bitch about and condemn - there will be a 'woman' and she will have the good sense to know when enough is enough.

Anyway, the thing that gets me other than the constant bombardment of this made-for-TV movie is that Hootie and the Blowfish are doing the theme song. This…makes me feel…old. I remember listening to H&B in high school – I had all of their, uh, tapes (CD players were still out of my unemployed reach) and even a t-shirt. I thought they were just IT. Of course, this romance between us only lasted for a couple of months before I discovered other bands, but our love affair was torrid, nonetheless. I feel as if I'm one step away from hearing all of my high school favorites on an infomercial for the 'golden oldies'.

I just wonder what the marketing department was thinking when they decided to accost the viewers every fifteen to thirty minutes with that damn song that I just can’t get out of my head right now. If she’s such a ‘good-bye’ girl can’t she just suck it up and bid the world farewell already?

Or…maybe I just watch too much TV and this whole annoyance just means I should read more or something. I do watch a lot of Law and Order because I love trying to figure it all out before everyone else does but I am usually all, “Oh – wow – those detectives are so smart”, which makes me feel stupid that I can’t figure out a mystery/cop show and that is why I like to watch COPS – it makes me feel smart. And, it keeps me in touch with my redneck side.

Nothing is funnier than the episode where a guy gets arrested for coke or something and says, “that’s not mine” when talking about the drugs and when the cops ask him why they were in his pants he replies, “well, these aren’t my pants”. HA! Now that is quality TV!

getting in lunge position and putting hands towards the ceiling).....Supah Star!

2004-01-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

OK…so I don’t exactly have a New Year’s Resolution but I do have something that I have to do this year, preferably before we go to Hawaii in August. I have known it for a while but I REALLY noticed it when I saw the New Year's Eve video full of beer bongs, drunken dancing and my ass. I made the joke that I was glad that The Walkers' had a wide screen TV, or we wouldn't have gotten a full view of my ass but it made me think. That and don't get 'interviewed' when you are drunk by a person holding a microphone - it never ends up being a good thing.

I have some pounds that could stand to go. I’m probably what you would call ‘corn-fed’ – I’m not completely rotund but being just a little over five feet tall does nothing for a person who is also, ahem, bootylicous.

So, I went for a run yesterday – a scant 2 or so miles. Mind you, I ran a marathon in 2001 so 2 miles should be nothing to me. I was SO wrong. It is so amazing how fast one can get out of shape. I’ve never really been in shape anyway so I guess it is amazing how fast one gets out of half-assed shape.

I started out running and singing a song in my head, much like what the military always does on TV. I always would hyperventilate myself when I would run so I learned that ‘The Brady Bunch’ song is the perfect beat for my breathing and running pace. Now, the bad thing about this little trick is that this song stays stuck in your head for however long you are out there. Which totally blows.

Anyway, about half a mile into it I was already tired. This is something that is so incredibly embarrassing but that’s what journals are all about, right? Or at least mine, anyway. Everyone else seems to have better stories than me. Sigh. So, back to the run. I ran for about a mile before I noticed my shoe was untied. By the time I stopped and tied it, I had completely lost my groove. Running groove is like any other ‘groove’, ‘swerve’ or whatever you call your deal where you get into the situation. You get into a running groove like you get into a good happy hour – somewhere around mile two or three (or drink two or three) you start chilling out, breathing slower and getting a little lightheaded.

This is the part that I always loved about running – this is the part where, like when you drink just enough but not too much, where you feel like a superstar. Like the hottest damn thing to ever walk the earth. But you have to be careful because like drinking, if you run too much you will hurl or just pass out or just want to die.

So, yesterday’s run for me, on a drinking scale, would be considered a good buzz. I got the lightheaded happiness phase at the end (the ‘runner’s high’). It sucks though because you have to work through the pain to get to that point. I think I like drinking better because it’s not like you have to get beaten before you belly up to the bar, unless you are being initiated into a frat or something.

The Hangover was so worth it!

2004-01-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

We got to Green Bay and chilled out on Saturday. Got to have lunch with some of Luke’s family at a local place since they live not far from Green Bay. We had a very laid-back day because we both knew that we’d be doing a lot the next day. Went to the nearest restaurant to our hotel, Applebee’s, and ate mass quantities of food and many chocolaty and warm alcoholic drinks.

Sorry – The Fabulous Life of Princes William and Harry is on…I’ll be back in 30.

So, we woke up around 8 and headed to the stadium. Drinking huge bloody marys outside in what was probably weather in the teens is very interesting. As we bought our breakfast of bratwurst and alcohol, I noticed that the ‘condiment bar’ with ‘kraut, pickles and other necessaries was nice and frosty. I pointed this out to Luke to which he replied, “Frozen Pickles – that’s a cool band name”.

We wandered around amongst the revelry, I bought some Mardi Gras-esque beads in GB Packer colors since my ski jacket was unfortunately so like the Seattle Seahawks colors that I began getting dirty looks. Beads on and alcohol coursing through my veins, we walked near the stadium to find the crazy fans. Crazy in a good way – people grilling out at 10 in the morning in freezing weather are just awesome.

We came across a group of people drinking and screaming to get ‘support for the Packers’ – their version of support was getting the women in the crowd to give up their bras. Somehow, I ended up donating my bra to the cause after a rather lengthy unveiling due to the two shirts, a sweater, a scarf and a ski jacket that hindered my goal. The people around me tried to get me to flash the camera but I wasn’t about to because it was cold and I don’t have a fantasy of ending up on the internet like that if Luke ever feels the need to run for office or something.

So, with the ‘modesty stickers’ as I guess they would best be called on the, uh, most ‘scandalous’ parts of my upper body, I flashed the camera with a big smile and the camera flashed back. Apparently, the guys that started this deal had been Packers fans forever and came up with the bra idea from some fans. It was cool – as I was doing my thing, Luke was drinking beer. I wasn’t at all uncomfortable – just another group of fans trying to find the magic potion for a good game. And you get to keep the stickers, which were gold Playboy bunnies with a Green Bay logo. And the best part is that ‘donators’ got to use the bathroom that they had in one of the series of motor homes that they had amongst the group. Judging the already growing line of people needing to break the seal, I would have been standing there for a good 45 minutes. I figure I got off pretty easy. After my bra was hoisted amongst the others, we went on our way toward the stadium. Now, looking back, I really shouldn’t have done that because now I have to go buy another black bra and I noticed a distinct difference in the temperature change once we got in the stands.

Anyway, we got into the stadium and found our seats. We didn’t think to bring anything to put on to the metal seats so we did a very sacrilegious thing in the House of the Packers – we used the towels we were supposed to wave around as butt warmers. The game was really awesome but I got really cold about halfway through the fourth quarter so I began just screaming louder hoping that the Packers would hear me and get a little jolt. Obviously, it didn't work because they went into overtime but whatever. I’ve never been that excited about a sports event. Usually, when football is on TV I’m just kinda’ there but now I understand the excitement. Watching it at the stadium rather than on TV is definitely the way to go but I’m not a self made millionaire just yet so TV will have to do for now.

After the game, we decided to go to a bar and warm up a little before heading back to the hotel. Everybody in town was so ready to party, which I can’t blame after such an awesome win but we both were just worn out. We went back to the hotel, hung out in the hot tub and got some food. It was really nice to spend a quiet dinner with Luke after sharing him with 72,000 people all day long. We had steaks and a bottle of wine – all was right with the world.

Our flight wasn’t supposed to leave Green Bay until about 6:30PM Monday so we spent the majority of the morning in the room – Luke was engrossed in a book and I was bored out of my mind watching daytime TV. Finally, we checked out and left our bags at the hotel. We walked over to a Mexican restaurant and ordered many a margarita and babbled about our precious little trip to the Midwest. We got to the airport and at that point I was just happy to be able to get my bags where they needed to be – I often wonder if random people can tell when I’m tipsy. We found out at check in that our flight was cancelled.

Already well on our way to being drunk, we went to the hotel near the airport and took advantage of the free happy hour thing in the lobby. By 9PM we were completely lit and I suffered a really good hangover the next day. The kind of hangover where you feel nauseous at times but mostly feel just a general ickyness.

It was totally a fun trip and I can’t wait to do it again.

Cheese Heads for a weekend

2003-12-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

I probably did the most un-Jenn thing ever yesterday morning. I was looking around on the internet trying to plan our long weekend trip that we are going on for our Anniversary and Luke’s Birthday. We don’t normally do big celebrations for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. because we usually don’t have the cash, time or energy to plan anything. Usually we end up ordering a pizza and consuming a bottle (or two) of wine. But this year I decided that we’d take a weekend trip somewhere because all of our vacation time for the past four years has been used up going to people’s weddings or to visit sick parents.

Anyway, I was going to take Luke to the Les Paul factory thingy in Maryland because they take you through the whole deal and show you how they make them and stuff. Then we were going to stay outside of Annapolis then drive to Philly the next day. But I found something so much cooler (and unfortunately, a little more expensive)!

At first I was going to surprise Luke and not tell him but as the minutes passed the prices for tickets, travel and hotel rooms was just skyrocketing so I had to tell him that I was taking him to Green Bay to see the Packers Playoff Game. As he tried to call his boss to make sure he could take the time off I continued planning. This is probably the most un-Jenn thing I have ever done because of the fact that I am generally not a spur of the moment person – I like having a master plan for travel. I am one of those people that travels with a little manila folder that is filled with backup info for flights, cars, etc. but I somehow abandoned the thought of planning while clicking and mousing frantically yesterday morning trying to get everything confirmed. We have the major stuff planned because one can't just camp out in Wisconsin in January. But this is so not like me to be so "hey, let's spend a hell of a lot of money to go to a football game, let's get on a plane and leave town to see some football". Must have been all of the coffee I drank yesterday morning because I'm usually the voice of reason within the relationship that is Luke and Jenn (I know, shocking!).

Actually GETTING the tickets to the game, the hotel and the plane tickets was just as stressful and emotional as I will probably be AT the game during the final moments. As I would hit the little button to confirm or book something I would get a screen telling me that it was already gone. The dog got a really good lesson in expletives yesterday as a result but finally I got everything figured out and when I did I raised my hands in victory as if I had scored a winning touchdown at the Super Bowl or just bought the last pair of badass shoes that will ever be made or something.

So, we are leaving at like 6AM from the airport and will arrive in the Midwest around 10AM – the beer drinking and cheese and sausage eating will probably not stop until we leave on Sunday. I love Wisconsin – everybody is so nice and they all have those cute little accents ‘ya knooow? And chesse curds. And beer. It’s like a completely different world up there – love it.

Luke is going to try to explain how the game of football actually works because I have spent my life not really understanding. I just yell when everyone else does and it has worked so far. I’m so excited. I’m gonna get one of those silly cheese hats – I probably won’t wear it but at least I will have one.

what now?

2003-12-29T09:42:00.000-05:00

My parents left this morning and now I am wondering what to do until the Walker New Year’s party. Another reason the holidays suck, if I didn’t point out enough of them earlier – they do end. Even if I get sick of the whole world decorated for Christmas right after Halloween and the ever-nagging feeling that I am being a hypocrite for celebrating anything at all, I still miss the whole deal already.

I guess it’s because the holidays sometimes feel like an escape from the normal everyday deal and you get to buy a whole bunch of cool stuff. I think I’m just completely conflicted about the whole thing – it’s like after your wedding or other big event – you don’t really know how to act after the whirlwind has settled. And I need to ‘undecorate’ now and that kinda sucks – the tree always makes a huge mess when I take all of the stuff off.

Anyway, got some cool stuff and had fun having my parents here. But I’m also happy to have the house back to just three souls. Too bad no one that reads this lives close by because I would have ‘yall over for the 5 million tons of food that is still here. Even Olive got some of the Honey Baked Ham – which we all paid for later when she nearly chased us out of the room with the, uh, ‘aftermath’.

All told, we had a fun holiday. Luke and I got to see the final Lord of the Rings movie before my parents got here (because they aren’t into ‘fantasy’ stuff) and it was just awesome! Orlando Bloom looked great and if I haven’t already said it, The Lord of the Rings has a part in it that links to the DaVinci Code – a totally bad ass scene that is all about the ‘sacred feminine’. Read the book then watch the movie – you’ll understand.

Luke got the guitar thing that he wanted for Christmas – he knew what he was getting though so it was no surprise to him. I hate giving gifts when the person knows what they are getting and I have no clue how to explain to people what I got them other than mumbling, ‘some guitar related thing’. But I knew what I was getting because I (honestly) accidentally found it while cleaning the house. Luke got me a PlayStation 2. We are still so like children (who am I kidding with the ‘like children’? We just ARE kids.) – we should have taken our money and put it toward credit cards or something but, well, whatever. So I’m sure the majority of today will consist of Luke playing with his new guitar toy (a TubeMan if anyone cares but that’s all I know about it – I know what it’s called) and I will be hanging out with The Simpsons cast trying to ruin Mr. Burns’ nuclear power transit system (got Simpsons Road Rage w/ the Playstation).

I know this is entry is about as boring as watching paint dry and I’m sorry for that. I can’t really think of anything interesting to say but I think that I will have something cool to say in a day or two. I think I’m gonna go rent Bridget Jones’ Diary – I have a hankering to drink some wine and brush off up terrible English accent.

Read the Disclaimer first and if you promise not to send me nasty emails you may proceed

2003-12-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This entry will contain views about religion and history – if you are easily offended or have very strict views on religion and think you might get upset please don’t read this entry.

After passing back a few emails with a fellow diarylander I came to the realization that my holiday icky-ness can be attributed to my reading The DaVinci Code. The book is awesome and packed with historical information that draws to conclusion that I pretty much knew already. This conclusion that the book comes to is one that is kind of hard to comprehend but at the same time the conclusion is as hard to understand as the alternative.

I don’t want to really give too much away about the book because I think that everyone who questions his or her religious beliefs (or lack thereof, in my case) should read this book. If you plan on reading it you may want to wait to read this entry. You may or may not figure out the conclusion of the book but I really don’t want to tell you not to read this entry because I think everyone in the world will have read the book in the next few months and that really doesn’t help my stats now, does it? My general confusion on everything is a huge part of this entry so please excuse the babbling.

Anyway, I feel like a hypocrite because I don’t believe in God. At this point, I can say that I believe that Jesus could have existed but I honestly don’t think that some of the things that he did are true. People who perform ‘miracles’ live right now in this very moment and they will probably get the same historical reference as Jesus.

I have always been very confused about this subject and I do not expect one book to ‘enlighten’ me one way or another. I have always thought that religion is something that you find within yourself and not something you read out of a book and just accept (or have faith in).

Faith – a word used by so many Christians to explain their thought, feelings and emotions on the subject. The very word itself, in my mind, leaves a lot of questions unanswered. If Christians and others really wanted to proclaim that they are the ‘correct’ religion wouldn’t they used the word ‘Truth” in place of the word “Faith’. Or is part of the whole deal just having faith, having a theory or belief? I know that as humans we have the choice whether or not to believe in certain things and I am in no way, shape or form trying to sway anyone’s opinion or faith on anything. I am using my diary to mentally unload all of the questions and whether or not I come to a conclusion I will probably still feel better.

Please excuse the really crappy format of this entry but this is how my mind works. Strange choppy sentences that veer off into a completely different subject. I like to call my mind a multi-tasking wonder but I know that I probably just have adult ADD. Not kidding.

Anyway, what if there is nothing in our existence to pray to, worship or aspire to after our deaths? Is that really so terrible? I honestly do not think so. Here comes the part that is going to piss people off…wait for it…are you sure you want to read this?

OK…

I really feel that religion was formed as a control mechanism to keep people malleable to the whims of the powers that be. I feel that religion was formed because people could not handle the fact that they might be ‘alone’ in this world. The human mind is an incredibly strong but also very fragile thing and I think that the people in power over the centuries and generations have used that fact to instill the fear of something, whether it be God, Allah or whatever they worship to keep them from seeing what is REALLY going on in the government, the society and the world.

If we got rid of all religion on this planet – somehow wiped it from people’s brains and started over with a new basis for a religion so people could evolve it the way they wanted to – I wonder if the world would be better off. If someone just told all of the ‘gods’ that people worship that they need to tell their followers to go by a simple plan to respect and love other humans (which means don’t kill people, respect their differences and note that they are humans too), respect nature’s will because the Earth is much more powerful than we are and if we piss it off we could all end up covered my mountains of ash, water or other things equally as bad and be nice to animals, plants, etc.

I guess I am just getting so pissed of at the world. Every year around this time you see little cards that say things like Peace on Earth and all. But does it really help? I haven’t seen any change. I know that a utopian society is not possible because humans are humans and we will always fuck something up but religious beliefs seem to be making it harder for people to get along.

I am still confused and I probably always will be but I think that it is okay to be so. I’m a good person and that is just going to have to be enough for me right now. I’ve made it through this life so far without a real belief system and I think I’ve done pretty damn well so far.

Sorry about the way serious entry. I’m sure I’ll have some really awesome stories after the Walker’s New Year Party. My skin crawls just thinking about the weeklong hangover but I’m sure it will be a blast. If there really is a hell I have had an assigned seat since I was 18 so I might as well not disappoint. Hell, again – if there is such a place, must be like an office Christmas Party – if you don’t hedge around the invitation with a good answer right from the start you’ll never get out of going. Oh, my (what do I say here now in the place of God?)…………

OH, MY ORLANDO BLOOM! Hell IS the office Christmas Party!

Happy Anniversary, Luke

2003-12-16T09:45:00.000-05:00

I love you as much

at the same time much more

as the day I fell in love with you.

I’m smarter and more patient,

even a stand a little taller

These are some of the side effects of loving you

Who would have thought?

From this very day four years ago…

That we both would have grown so much.

That I would be sitting here…

Quietly writing about you

In a warm house that is ours

With a snoring dog a few feet away.

Could I have imagined this very day?

This moment in time?

The intake of breath that I just took?

No, no one can imagine specific moments

Of the past certainly, but not the future.

Or can they?

No matter what age I envision you in

No matter where it is or when.

I see you as YOU…

You will have changed, most definitely

But you still will have the

Same inner workings of Luke

And I will still have the same inner workings of Jenn.

We’ll be different but still the same to each other.

We must still promise ourselves everyday

Everyday we will continue to learn and grow together

If we don’t promise to do that

Well, we might as well just give it all up.

All of it.

That we have.

Together.

And we have a hell of a lot.

Not monetarily or materialistically.

Emotionally.

We have a lot.

You still make me feel giddy and ridiculous in a good way

Thinking about you smiling makes me smile.

I love that you balance me out

You keep me from overreacting when it’s not called for

You ground me to reality when I need it

But then you let me spread my wings in wonderland.

You are so confusing and challenging

I still want to know more.

More about what you think about life

Because you are a rare genius

More about how you feel about things

Because you are a very deep person

Who has an amazing heart.

And I want to be able to see you smile always.

Because when you smile it makes me happy, too.

So, four years down – a lifetime to go.

We’ve got a lot of life to live

And the best part is that we get to live it together.

Celebration and fear in Washington, DC. - we are SO stressed!

2003-12-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

First, I just found out this morning that Saddam Hussein has been captured. I am happy for the people of the Middle East. Hopefully, this will be helpful to them. I was so excited when I heard that the dog and I had a little impromptu party - I yayed and danced around and, being the weird dog mom that I am, I let Olive get some of the stuff out of her stocking. She didn’t know what the hell was going on except for the fact that she got to eat pig ears (I know - gross - but apparently they are like Rice Krispy Treats for dogs)

Personally, I hope that Saddam becomes somebody’s girlfriend in prison. Is that bad? If he makes it to prison I hope that he lives in there long enough to get passed around like a slutty cheerleader trying to ‘get votes’ for Homecoming Queen. Can you imagine a guy walking around saying “Saddam is my bitch”? Ha! That would be hilarious! But, the real world will probably not let me (and probably others who feel the same way) have that because he’ll probably end up in some kind of solitary deal. Reality sucks, man.

OK...on to my crazily boring life here in suburban Virginia. Luke went out to a bar crawl last night and I stayed here. One reason is that I have my last final tomorrow and I think that being hungover and trying to study would totally suck. Also, I didn’t want to be the only girl. So, I hung out and went to sleep early.

Woke up to lots of snow this morning but I have yet to hear much about it on the news because of the Saddam thing. I actually welcome this because the news people tend to completely sensationalize things around here. Once a snowflake is seen anywhere in the metro area, the news people are stationed all over the place with yardsticks to measure the accumulation and they always find the one person that is completely overwhelmed by the situation. They always get the guy who is like “I didn’t even go to sleep last night because I knew it would take me forever to get to work and I was right because I’ve been on the road for four hours.” I swear they pay these people off.

We had an ‘earthquake’ the other day and, though I didn’t even feel it 4.2-ish ‘waves of terror’ the newspeople and the government were all up in arms. The news folks were stationed at bridges to report on what the structural engineers had to say about their safety. To which I replied, “What the fuck?”.

I hate to be all Crocodile Dundee about earthquakes (‘that’s not a knife, THIS is a knife’) but this ‘earthquake’ is so not an earthquake. If you don’t feel the earth move then NOTHING happened. It’s so funny - as I am typing this a commercial for the local news came on and said ‘NBC 4 is working for you...after our area was jolted by an earthquake, News 4 was there...Helping you to keep calm and stay informed’ . Dude, let me watch the news for six hours about the earthquake as I clean up the devastation to my home, which would consist of moving the stuff on the one shelf that was affected the centimeter that they were ‘jolted’. It’s not any wonder that people here are wound so tightly - but at least there is a forum on the NBC 4 website where people can share their trying experience.

tired

2003-12-11T09:48:00.000-05:00

So tired...finals (for this week, anyway) will be over in the afternoon today. I haven't slept really well since they started and even when I do sleep I dream of Spanish verbs, the economy of South America and pagodas.

Got a new man in my life

2003-12-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

Last night I went out to Clarendon, did a little flirting with a man I like to call Nigel. Nigel is very sophisticated and very considerate. He seems to know exactly what I need even before I do. He’s fully loaded with everything that a girl could want - and he only seems to talk back when you want him to. He’s quite a looker, too. The type of guy that you see across a crowded room and think “yeah, I could spend quite a few cozy mornings with him - that wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all”.

I know it happened fast but, honestly, I was just so tired of everything else that is out there. It’s almost tragic how bad it all is. They try to sway you with their looks and that down deep, they are awesome. But, I just wasn’t buying it anymore. I’m not a young girl about town anymore. I have seen a bit of the world and I know now what I want. So here I sit with my new precious on the couch, just enjoying the morning. I’m watching the sun’s rays sneak across the wall as I drink my coffee. Harry Connick, Jr. is serenading us with Christmas songs. Life? Yeah, it’s pretty good.

It’s going to take a little getting used to this new relationship - but like with any relationship, it takes time and effort to make it work out. You have to be dedicated to making it work for you because if you aren’t willing to give a little, you won’t get anything in return. But I think that after years of relationships where I had to give WAY too much I finally found one that will just take, take, take all that I can dish out and keep coming back for more.

I always knew that I deserved something better but I guess I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself until now. I’ve grown a lot over the past few years, both emotionally and mentally. Yes, people, I’ve gotten smarter about relationships and I know a lot of things that can happen that I had no idea about when I was, say, 18 or 19. Times have changed and I’ve changed and it is about time that I moved on to something more dedicated and, well, something that is there when I need it because I can’t waste my life hoping that it will all work out.

I have finally arrived at a place where I am happy and I am proud to say that I will never look back. I won’t turn around and run back to where I was a few days ago because Nigel has made a believer out of me.

I even morphed an ‘oldie but goodie’ for him -

At last....my iBook G4 has come along.

My computer crashing days are over,

and life is like a song.

At last...screen is not death blue.

My heart morphed to an Apple

Since the day that I found you.

Oh, yeah.

Life styles of the middle class and infamous - white wine wishes and new computer dreams

2003-12-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

I have really been slacking lately with my entries. I had a bit of a crisis on Tuesday and have not yet recovered from it emotionally. I went downstairs in my usual fashion to check email and all of the other lovely computer oriented things that I do on a daily basis. I extended my hand toward my computer, finger extended to push the power button. As I pushed the power button nothing happened. So I said “huh?” and checked the power cords and all of the connections. I once again tried to turn on the computer with absolutely no luck at all.

Now, it is the end of the semester and one pretty much can understand the rage that I felt for the rest of the day. The tears began to well up in my eyes and a lump in my throat decided to form because I guess the tears couldn’t get all of the bodily attention. My brain decided to kick in with not a few but very many choice words and my hand extended with a gesture that was much less ladylike than the previous one. I also thought that I should just throw the computer out of the window but my common sense stopped me because I knew that I would have to clean up all of the broken glass and that would just piss me off even more.

So, I called Luke and in between my crying gasps and scratchy voice he got the information that he needed: the computer had indeed passed on to electronic heaven (I would think hell but I want to be nice because Santa is probably reading this). Luke also realized that his wife is spoiled and insane but I say if he didn’t know it already then, well, I’ve done a really good job of keeping that information under wraps. (Yay for me – I make sure to blend with the normals!)

Anyway, so I spent half of the day going to my old work place to use one of their computers – I had to sneak in so that no one would see me, save the person whose office I used. So now I believe that we are going to acquire a new ‘precious’ to add to our collection of expensive electronic gadgets.

In other news, Luke was out of town on business Wednesday night and all day Thursday so I did what most women would do – catch up on chick movies and drink wine. And did I ever do a good job – I watched Bend It Like Beckham (again) and The O.C. I tried to stay up and watch The Real World Paris reunion show but, well, I was too drunk to stay awake. I drank almost a magnum of wine – for the uninitiated to the world of wine it’s about 1.5 liters. Yeah, I was a little overzealous in my quest to watch chick TV with a few tipsy giggles thrown in. Oh, well – life goes on and mine totally did too, after I took some Ibuprofen and downed a few glasses of water the next morning.

I wrote an entry on paper. I know, I was amazed, too. I wrote it while I was watching The O.C. and once I decipher what it says I will pass on my drunken gems of wisdom.

I know you are but what am I?

2003-11-28T09:52:00.000-05:00

I am finally getting unbusy – I foresee in a few weeks that I will actually be able to update on a more normal basis like I used to. I sometimes miss having a job where I had nothing to do but couldn’t do homework so I’d update. Sigh.

Anyway, the whole Thanksgiving thing didn’t go to badly last night considering. There was only one drunken conversation that lasted for over thirty minutes. I grew up in a very quiet house so when people get all hyper about a subject and start a friendly disagreement/debate I tend to get very uncomfortable. One reason is because I feel if people are that passionate about a subject there is probably nothing I can say that will change their mind and the other reason is that I am not that great with intellectual comebacks. I am totally one of those people that will be all “well, uh…I know you are but what am I?” or something equally as terrible but I will come up with a really good one later. Totally sucks. I think it really takes a special kind of genius to be able to think quickly enough to one-up someone in a conversation. I usually just say something snarky because my brain is better equipped and molded for a good ‘your momma’ contest than an intellectual debate.

Even when I was in debate in high school I always seemed to turn it into a snark match rather than a debate of intellect and fact. But I did always do well because the Abercrombie crowd was always a little shocked by my behavior. The weirdest thing about that class was that my debate teacher who was appropriately and coincidentally named Ms. Battle hated me because she said that I talked too much in class. This to me made no sense because the ENTIRE class was built on your ability to talk. Whatever, man. Stupid people bother me.

tryptophanic, psychotic and bitchy - wanna hang out with me?

2003-11-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

So Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. Thanksgiving for me has turned into a really annoying holiday over the past few years. Every year I basically sit around being bored waiting to eat and then after the eating is all over with I sit around until its time to go to sleep. Usually this series of events occurs when I am surrounded by guys. Yes, my Thanksgivings usually consist of me and a bunch of guys. If I was still sixteen I would probably think that nothing could be better but I just get flat annoyed now because I get tired of hearing everyone’s theories on football, the dating scene and whatever sciency thing is the big topic of the moment. And I missed THE OC LAST NIGHT! Son of a bitch!!!!! If anybody taped it I will pay you to send it to me! I don’t think I can make it through this week without a dose of Seth and Ryan!

I think that all of the cool-ass women should come up with a way to combat this annoyance and have a ‘safe house’ established in major metro areas that they can run to when the guy talk or good natures family throw downs get to be too much to handle. This house would be sectioned off into categories to serve the mental needs of it’s patrons: meditation, drunken ladies night complete with good wine and chick movies, a room with Orlando Bloom, Paul Walker and all of the Queer Eye guys. I guess I am still just the type of person that doesn’t like too much drama and confusion. I am a bitch (could you not tell?) because someone is coming to our house and is very politely bringing food with him but I don’t want him to. Why you ask? Well, I’ll enlighten you to the control-freakness of my personality.

I don’t like it when people bring food to parties, dinners or whatever when it still requires preparation. Nothing annoys me more than some good-hearted person bringing something and saying, “we’ll just throw it in the oven for a little while”. This statement basically means to me that I have to shift around my mental timetable of what is going to be cooked when and usually ends up in the delay of food or the outright charring of something because I’m all ‘off’. The worst is when they bring stuff that still requires a step that involves actual ingredients that they did not bring but assume that I have. I’m weird (read: a bitch) like that. Welcome to my world of being insane about the smallest things.

So my advice to all that will be traveling to friends and families houses for Thanksgiving:

If you want to bring something - bring alcohol because it will always be well received. If you aren’t a drinker (or if they aren’t) - well, then why are you going to their house? Kidding, bring them a ‘housewarming gift’ like a plant, some flowers or a something. But for all that is good and pure in this world don’t bring something that still needs working on because your friends just might be as insane as I am!

“Can you pass the psychotic? Thanks!”

If I had a letter jacket now it would have a B on it for Bitch University

2003-11-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

I am back from the dead. Everything has been pretty insane around here since I stopped working. Classes are soon going to end for Thanksgiving and then right after that again for finals and Christmas. This semester went by so incredibly fast! Oh, well – such is life.

I was almost ready to say nothing has happened since I last posted an entry but that wouldn’t make sense since I just said that I was busy would it? I am one of those annoying people that could have just won the lottery, received an Academy Award and found cures for all of the most terrible diseases on earth and if someone asked me what I had been up to I would still say, “Oh, nothing much – how about you?”. I guess this automatic reaction stems from my teenage years when my parents tried so hard to talk to me by asking me about my day, what my friends were up to and all that. And, in the way that only a teenager can, I would just reply with no feeling at all as if my life had just fallen apart but I didn’t really care anyway when I would say, “Oh, nothing.”

Teenagers are strange. Not in a bad way, though because that time is really when you find out who you are and what you really want. Though no matter how old you get you always wonder what you will be when you grow up and what you really want. I guess teenagerdom is just a jumping off point for what the real world is like. Because nothing is more cutthroat and real world than high school.

I don’t know why I am all reminiscent all of the sudden – I haven’t had a major life crisis and I don’t even think my high school has reunions (thank god) so I’m not sure what has gotten into me. Oh, yeah – now I remember: I was cleaning out an old closet and found my letter jacket. I wasn’t a jock by any stretch of the imagination. I actually got stuck in athletics my sophomore year and they tried to make me play basketball. If you know me you are already laughing but if you don’t here’s the deal. My height has not changed since about 14 – I’m a little above five feet tall. In high school I wasn’t overweight but I still had the baby fat face, complete with dimples and I was a little stocky because I rode horses all of the time. These people tried to get me to play a sport for tall and, well, athletic people. Not only did I not know what defense meant but the one goal (is it goal or is it score? Hoop? Can you see where this is going?) I made was for the wrong team.

I was that person in high school that got made fun of by the athletic girls. Now, I sit back and laugh a little because I know some of them, if not the majority, still live in that same town and have never moved past high school really. Not to say that is a bad thing because everybody has a comfort zone somewhere but they always made fun of me because I was different. So what did I learn in high school? Be nice to everybody because you might need his or her help someday and karma is a bitch. (Think Happy Gilmore and the guy with the list of people to kill – if you haven’t seen the movie you should – it’s quality entertainment.)

Busy - no time for shit

2003-11-04T09:55:00.000-05:00

Busy week - sorry no updating. Found this little gem and it pretty much sums up some of the experiences I have had so far this semester. Will return soon with wonderful stories of adventure and intrigue...let's be real...I'll be back in a day or two with something to bitch about.

-Jenn

Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of Special High Intensity Teaching (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. during a course, please see your teacher. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our teacher are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who do not take the teacher's S.H.I.T. will be placed on the Department Educational Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) list.

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go Educational Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our teachers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For

students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of Managerial Operational Research Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions,please direct them to our Head Of Teaching, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss In General of

Special High Intensity Teaching (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Magnificent Bureau of Super High Intensity

Teaching.

(TheD.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.)

fake entry that is like one of those annoying clip shows

2003-10-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

OK, some really interesting random hits have been happening lately and I just thought I’d share -

When someone typed in “I am putting on my fifth beach , i'm from Jamaica and i needed some real dance hall girls to come on my trip to entertain my friends, how can i contact these girls” at Google it got them the 101 things about me. I must say that no one should contact me to entertain their friends at beach parties, etc. but thanks to Google for thinking of me.

“squirrels weeeeeeeeee” equals my squirrel revolution entry and “squirrel giving the paw” is the same deal.

apparently someone already knows about the glow stick people at Busch Gardens because they were looking for “glow sticks + williamsburg”.

“red assed-baboon” is probably the most popular hit I get because others have noticed the plight of those poor creatures.

“assman seinfeld” gets folks to my lesson on plate etiquette.

And finally the best one: going from http://opalreviews.diaryland.com/hofame.html takes you to me as well. Momma’d be so proud – I’ve got ho fame! Better than no fame at all I guess!

the entry where I ask for the pity of everyone

2003-10-24T08:52:00.000-04:00

Can’t a person just blank stare for an entire day because that’s just all I really want to do. I seem to have caught some crap-nasty cold or something from somebody and well, that’s about all I have to say. I was showering this morning and it was so sad because it took all of my energy to lather, rinse and repeat. By the time I had gotten out of the shower and started to complete the whole process of hygiene that society so loves (brushing teeth, combing hair and putting on deodorant) I was completely worn out.

I’m so glad it’s Friday so I can spend my weekend snarfing and blank staring at the TV. Yay.

Weird story #237 and a question to the masses

2003-10-23T08:53:00.000-04:00

So, I get in the car this morning to drive to school and I notice this weird smell which can be best described as rotting dairy products. I have often been said to have the nose of a bloodhound so I don’t know if anyone else in the world would have been able to detect it but I did and it was driving me crazy. I immediately began to think of what might have possessed such a foul odor and why it would be in my car. Neither Luke, myself or the dog smell like that (and thank god for it because we wouldn’t have any friends and our neighbors would hate us). I then came to the realization that it must be my macaroni and cheese that I had brought for lunch. I should preface the next part of my story with the fact that I don’t just heart mac and cheese – I LOVE mac and cheese. When Luke made it last night one of the first things to enter my mind as I was consuming it’s golden yumminess was that I was going to have it tomorrow, too. I’m not one for leftovers but finding mac and cheese leftovers is like finding a bar of platinum in the fridge.

Anyway, so I came to the conclusion that something in the fridge must have spilled on the gladware that contained the mac and cheese. So, I did what any normal person would do and sniffed the plastic. After my nose hairs stopped burning, I concluded that I was indeed correct. In the process of all of this I got this weird smell on my hands which completely freaked me out because I always think that people will nickname me after something embarrassing like ‘the girl that smells like bad cheese’ or ‘the girl that fell asleep in class and almost hit her head on the desk’ or, as I am actually known in Spanish, as ‘the girl who gets nervous when she has to talk in front of everyone and sometimes twitches’. Yeah, makes me feel real pretty when I know people are waiting for my crazy nervous eye twitchy thing. By the way I figured out that it was really old mozzarella WAY in the back of the fridge that was the culprit.

Once I ate McDonalds for lunch and then went to yoga that night. While warming up for the class I began to notice a smell that reminded me a lot of Mickey D’s fries. I realized soon after that it was me and that apparently the McDonald’s smell was somehow just oozing out of my pores. At that point I began to get really freaked out because I thought everybody would label me as McJenn or something. The road to inner peace is not paved with cheeseburgers or fries.

So, I have a question for my readers (all seven of you) – do you ever get paranoid about things that you know no one else will notice but you freak out anyway?

Girls are strange

2003-10-21T08:51:00.000-04:00

Ladies, it has come to my attention that women and girls between the ages of 6 and around 75 have an issue that needs to be addressed. This issue has to do with the bathroom. I’m noticing that when women go use the facility in a public place that they have established a strange usage ritual. I don’t know when or why I began this behavior myself but it has got to stop. Men, if you don’t know what I’m talking about please read on and become a little more enlightened regarding the opposite sex.

I am speaking of a devious little trick that some females do to keep from having to be the ‘first’ one to, ahem, carry on with their business in a public bathroom. Usually what happens is once everyone is settled in their individual places to do whatever it is they need to do and then...they wait. There has been a holding pattern mentality established amongst women where it seems that they don’t want to be the first one to make the noises that one would make in a bathroom so they wait for noises from another person to ‘signal’ that all is right with the world.

It is a strange phenomenon that I have myself taken part in. I have sat in a bathroom and waited for everyone to leave because I didn’t feel that they were making adequate noise with talking, faucets, etc. to not notice me peeing. I don’t know if women are concerned that under stress, other unauthorized noises may come out and the other women will hold it against them. I know that it has been a concern of mine but I don’t know about other women. I have always thought that I didn’t want people to recognize my shoes in the bathroom and next time they see those shoes they will associate whatever noise was made with them. Women do look at other women’s shoes in the potty. Not only is it a mechanism for finding your friends while in a theme park but it is also a mechanism for the judgement of moving forward with any ‘actions’ that you might be taking in the bathroom. My tendency is if the shoes are casual, go for it but if they are all Nine West or Cole Haan fancy in nature make her wait because she might just memorize your shoes and go back and tell all her friends about what you were doing in there. Like Forrest Gump so eloquently put it, “you can tell a lot about people by their shoes”. I don’t know if this is a modern knock-off of the old attitude that women needed to retire to a different location away from society when the “have the vapors” (read: they are gassy). I just don’t know. Contrary to what some may believe I am not the keeper of all knowledge. *gasp!* I just know that this behavior really should stop.

Men, this is why women go to the bathroom together and this is why it takes us so long! We need an ally that we can trust will ‘break the silence’ before we will. It’s not a friendship thing at all; we usually take the weaker female from a group situation because it is the survival of the fittest in there. Ladies, while we are in the bathrooms concerned about “who will pee first because I don’t want to be the first one to make a pee noise...what if something else slips out and I embarrass myself?” we are missing out on conversations, the best jokes and, yes, the end of beer specials.

Countless times I have returned from a trip to the cutthroat world of the restroom to find that not only has the topic changed to something either completely boring, a major event has occurred, like a party has been planned, or I have missed THE joke or action of the night that everyone talks all night and they randomly blurt out, “squirrel hazing – ha!” or something. Sucks, man – it really sucks

Apparently men just go in there and pee, fart and whatever and no one cares. This...to me...is amazing. I guess because men don’t have the memory capacity that women do for small details so it is ingrained in them not to care because they won’t remember it. Well, I vividly remember all of the shoes the people wore in public bathrooms that were not afraid to get it done if you know what I mean.

Now...(inhale)...I have thrown down the gauntlet to releive (no pun intended) the women of the world of this strange ritual that is keeping us from good jokes, drink specials, our friends getting hit on with a really terrible pickup line, and missing enlightening conversation with our friends and families. Great...I get to be the first one to change the world in my own small way.

Totally useless entry where I tell 101 things about myself because I have nothing else to say.

2003-10-16T08:50:00.000-04:00

1 - If you could not gather this from my previous entries or the name of this journal: I’m sarcastic.

2 - I’m married to a wonderful, sexy and intelligent guy that loves me and puts up with my crap. There really should be a fan club for Luke because as you will learn, I’m not the easiest person to live with.

3 - I used to write better stuff when I was depressed and lonely. Now I just babble aimlessly.

4 - I used to smoke and sometimes I miss it because I weighed about 100 pounds.

5 - I used to be really nice (like churchy-nice) when I was about thirteen but have since formed an attitude and haven’t looked back since.

6 - I come off as an outgoing person but I really am completely scared of being the center of attention.

7 - I have a mental list of things that I’d like to accomplish in my lifetime and I have actually crossed some of them off.

8 - I’m scared of children because they are so honest and because some kids I know are almost as tall as I am.

9 - I truly believe that depression and anxiety exist. Anyone who says that depression and anxiety are just in people’s heads should try living in a depressed person’s head for a day.

10 - I used to drive with two feet – one for the gas and one for the brake. People used to ask me if I learned to drive on a standard car and I never understood what the hell they were talking about…until I drove a standard. Which leads me to standard cars…

11 - Luke taught me to drive a stick shift and I’m surprised he didn’t leave me in the middle of the street because I screamed obscenities that everyone in the intersection heard.

12 - I made a ‘documentary’ of a day in my life when I was about 16. It’s full of me putting on makeup, watching Leonardo DeCaprio movies, driving around and the finale is when a friend and I went through the car wash.

13 - People used to say I was full of shit because I used to always be tan and I have brown hair and brown eyes. As you can see I used to know some really creative people who are also assholes.

14 - When I was born I weighed one pound and four ounces

15 - I love everything to do with technology. I honestly do not know how people functioned without the internet. I couldn’t get a damn thing done without it.

16 - I have thought about pledging to a sorority at school just to get in front of all of them and ask them what they think life is really about because ‘love and roses’ can’t possibly pay the bills, sistas! Ya’ know?

17 - I enjoy cooking but I am always paranoid that someone will get sick or die so I always try to start off meals by saying, “if it sucks don’t eat it”.

18 - Secretly, I would love to be in a band and sing but I’m too chickenshit to even get on stage.

19 - I love to sculpt – if I’m really bored I will make things out of paper clips. Like flowers and kitty-kats.

20 - I am an insane neat freak with the house but my car is usually just a moving trash heap.

21 - My mom and step-dad are about 20 years apart in age. My mom (who says she’s 36) is 58 and my step-dad is 78. I used to hate it when I was a teenager because they never understood me at all but now I think it’s cool.

22 - When I was a freshman in high school I wanted to name my first daughter Solar. I have no idea why.

23 - This is sad – I attended my first rock concert when I was 18. I was sheltered.

24 - I don’t like bugs – I will actually do a little dance if I see one AND squeal.

25 - I know how to weld

26 - My mother once admitted that she used to read my (on paper, in a book with a lock) diary. It’s kinda funny now and I know why she felt that she needed to do it but I was really pissed when she told me.

27 - My mind wanders probably 1/3 of the day. It’s amazing I accomplish as much as I do.

28 - I never meant to but I used to always take my roommates’ socks. She is still upset about that I think.

29 - I once got stoned and took my bedroom door off of the hinges and started coloring on it. When I was finished it had a huge crane and a big happy sunshine.

30 - I have an Uncle Bubba and an Aunt Loretta. My friends from the city think that this is hysterical.

31 - My mom named me Jennifer because she hadn’t heard the name in years at the time and it is relatively easy to pronounce. My mom’s name is Minywan (menu – wan) so she wanted to spare me the grief that she and my aunt, Hiawatha (hi – uh – wath – uh), went through as children. Thanks, mom – you rock!

32 - I failed fifth grade English because my grammar sucks but I’m an English major in college now – weird.

33 - I was married when I was 19 and will celebrate my 4th anniversary in December. No, I don’t have kids and don’t plan on it for a while. I’m not from a Podunk place (well, not completely – we did have TWO stoplights) and my husband is not my cousin. Sorry – just want to get that established.

34 - A lot of my family members and I never speak. I have a half brother and a few stepsiblings that I never talk to and they never talk to me. I’m fine with it – fewer things to keep track of.

35 - I used to buy cigarettes from a friend who worked at a drive though liquor store when I was 16. (I know – “Drive through liquor store! Why didn’t I think of that?”

36 - I always cry at weddings even if I don’t know who either of the people are.

37 - I’ve traveled to: California, Mexico, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, South Dakota, Kansas, Montana, Wyoming, Nevada, Nebraska, Minnesota, Iowa, Arkansas, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Illinois, Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Virginia, Hawaii, Maryland, Delaware, New York, Connecticut, Vermont, New Jersey and Jamaica

38 - I’ve lived in: Denton, Texas; Santa Ana, CA; Huntington Beach, CA; Lake Arrowhead, CA; Clarksville, TX; Marble Falls, TX; Austin, TX; Arlington, VA; Alexandria, VA and where I live now in Springfield, VA. These locations do not include those I do not remember living in. My parents are very nomadic.

39 - My parents used to have a house in Mexico and I was the only one in the family who spoke any Spanish. I was between five and seven during that time and I always had to tell them how much things cost or directions.

40 - When I was five we had a circus at school and I started crying because I was scared of the clowns. This weekend at Busch Gardens, eighteen years later, I circled what must have been fifteen feet around a clown because they still freak me out.

41 - I used to show cows. This is embarrassing.

42 - I haven’t yet decided what my political stance is but I think if I’d have to decide I’d be a liberal Republican or a conservative Democrat – maybe I should just start up my own party. Ha! The Pink Ladies!

43 - Stupid people with no imagination drive me absolutely insane.

44 - I got in a fight in the fifth grade. With a guy. Who outweighed me by at least 30 pounds. I got my ass kicked.

45 - I used to arm wrestle the boys in the sixth grade and win.

46 - My friends and I once wrapped our English teacher’s house. I was organizing the whole thing so by the time we where done an hour later there was a definite theme and balance to our work.

47 - I once broke a bunch of stuff in my parent’s bar in the rec room of our old house in CA and blamed it on an earthquake. Mom bought it.

48 - I once went cow tipping and got scared of falling in cow shit so I went home.

49 - Math is my worst subject always and my best subjects are artsy ones where I don’t have to think a whole lot.

Totally useless entry where I tell 50-101 of the 101 things about myself because I have nothing else to say.

2003-10-16T08:48:00.000-04:00

50 - I would love to teach art or AP English in high school. If I get to write my own lesson plans and cuss at the kids if they piss me off. And I would want the kids to call me by my first name.

51 - I have no upper body strength but I can kick the hell out of anyone if I need to.

52 - When I was a teenager, I had a strange fascination with the Mob and the IRA. I studied them, checked out books, etc. I’m probably on some kind of ‘list’ for the government.

53 - I once broke a ceiling fan while trying to play golf in the house and tried to say that I just slammed the door to hard. Mom didn’t buy it.

54 - When I was 17 one of my best friends died in a car accident and it took me a long time to feel okay that I wasn’t there with her on that day.

55 - I like to sing in the car and dance like no one is watching. I am SO white sometimes.

56 - I hate being called cute because it makes me feel like a Care Bear or something.

57 - I once saw a horse being born and it was really gross but he was really fuzzy and cute about an hour later.

58 - My mom almost cut her thumb off when I was 14 but she still refused to let me drive her to the hospital. That was weird – mom one-handed driving 80 mph down a dirt road. But she was probably right.

59 - I once ‘fake named’ and ‘fake numbered’ someone.

60 - I clean like the world is about to end and I will be judged upon the cleanliness of my house.

61 - I would love to own a vineyard someday in Napa or somewhere. Or be an interior designer for really cool people. Or write for an awesome magazine or write novels.

62 - I’ve only stolen one thing in my life: a piece of bubble gum.

63 - I know how to shoot a gun and would probably own one if I had a place for it. And I would get a pretty silver one with a pearl handle because it will go with anything and everything.

64 - I believe that the legal drinking age should be 18 and that pot should be legal.

65 - I once drove a Geo Prism that had a cracked exhaust manifold – it sounded like a monster truck.

66 - I love buying presents for people.

67 - When I was 15, I wanted to go to law school and join the FBI. I even sent off for the “How to join the FBI” package. I eventually said screw it because I could deal with all the requirements: push-ups, sit-ups, college but I can’t run fast.

68 - I had a fake ID and got in a lot of trouble for it when I was 18.

69 - I’ve always wanted to pierce my nose, my tongue, and my eyebrow and get a tattoo and I haven’t done any of it yet.

70 - I am the type of girl to buy a car because of the color.

71 - My favorite movie of all time is Dead Poets Society.

72 - I think that Chris Martin of Coldplay is the next John Lennon.

73 - My husband is a ‘tappy’ person, meaning he’s very fidgety and always tapping or moving a knee or leg, biting his fingernails or something and it drives me insane.

74 - Sigh. When I was in high school I was in FFA (Future Farmers of America). Yes, I know, it IS sad.

75 - I don’t yet know what I believe about God and everything. Some days I am sure and some days I am not.

76 - I used to play bass drum in band in high school. I loved it.

77 - I once tried out to *cough* be a cheerleader but I couldn’t make the team because I was failing English.

78 - We used to have chickens when I was a kid and they used to chase me around the yard. I hated them.

79 - I once got really excited because I had a poem published in a book but I think it was one of those “hey kids – let your parents see your poem in our book for only $89.95!”

80 - I’ve broken my nose twice.

81 - I ran the Marine Corps Marathon in 2001.

82 - I can totally get addicted to computer games and video games. When Sim City first came out I played it for like sixteen million hours until my mom had to pry me off of the keyboard. Just the other day I was in Best Buy and I saw a PlayStation 2 – the journey just might begin again this Christmas. If Luke remembers what I want for Christmas....hint.

83 - I had never seen Star Wars until I met Luke. Apparently, this was something that needed to be remedied immediately so I had to watch all three of them in a row. They sucked. I understand how exciting it must have been if you were five and seeing it in the theater for the first time but seeing it now after I had already seen the Matrix? Uh, no – doesn’t do it for me.

84 - When we went to see the first Lord of the Rings movie I hadn’t read the book yet so at the end of the movie when the just sail off I practically yelled, “That’s bullshit”. Thankfully, I was in good company because I learned that others thought it was a bad ending, too.

85 - I love to people watch.

86 - I love any carbs. This reason alone is why I was a raging bitch while on the Atkins diet. When we go to Outback Steakhouse I eat the potato – skin and all with no trace left of its existence – then I think about the steak.

87 - I have a weird thing about my showers. I have to do everything in a certain order because I might forget something and for efficiency’s sake. Wash face, wash hair, conditioner, wash body, rinse hair and body. If I have to throw shaving in I have to rethink my entire process. I make the biggest deals out of the stupidest things.

88 - I’m also weird about how towels should be folded. I once went into Luke’s closet while we were still dating and refolded his towels.

89 - I am always buying crafty things because I get all psyched about doing something. That’s why either still have or have had: stained glass, knitting needles, a glue gun, glitter, tons of markers and crayons, beads, sculpting wire, paints of all different kinds. Me walking into a Micheals or some equally large craft store is the equivalent of Britney Spears or Cher walking into a plastic surgeon. It’s like church.

90 - I am totally running out of things to say about myself. This blurb counts as being about myself since I’m saying something about me.

91 - I walk really fast. I assume because I am really short and have always felt the need to keep up with everyone else. I sometimes think that it annoys random people because I just haul ass past them in the mall, grocery store or on the street.

92 - I used to want to be a veterinarian like every other eight-year-old girl, until I got a horse and saw all of the nasty things that vets have to do. Ick.

93 - I don’t like going to bars and smelling all the smoke but it never bothered me when I did smoke.

94 - I am afraid of the dark. I always run as fast as I can and jump onto the bed because for some reason I’m safe if I jump.

95 - I sometimes stuff Luke with gallons of ice cream because he might someday gain an ounce and I’d feel better. He gains like no weight and I can just think about it and it happens.

96 - I love yoga. Unfortunately my gym closed so I have nowhere to practice. I would love to be a yoga instructor.

97 - I love to drive fast and would love to get one of those all day race car course things where you can jump in a car and haul ass around a track for a while.

98 - I didn’t think that I would get this far in the list.

99 - Now that I said that I’ve drawn a complete blank.

100 - Damn..

101 - The End.

vocab

2003-10-15T08:47:00.000-04:00

JennSpeak Vocabulary

because you may just wonder what the hell I'm saying

*(insert word)* - this is what I want to do when I want to emphasize something or be sarcastic (I know – you’re thinking “Jenn, sarcastic – no way!” Well…way.)

Blank stare – this is an expression that is usually coupled with shower, a class or a conversation. If one is really tired, bored or hungover they would have a blank stare on their face. Blank stare showers are the best because one can stand in the shower with no motivation to do anything except bask in hot water and lean against the shower wall. When you have the flu blank stare showers are essential to recovery.

-ish – this usually right after a descriptive word that I either felt was too descriptive or not descriptive enough. Ex. “It was fun but kind of boring-ish”

Hangin’ – this is a word that I heard from Mike after his wedding. Means basically that you are currently experiencing a hangover. Ex. “Dude, I’m so hangin’ right now”

This word can also be used as an expression for doing nothing: such as hangin’ out.

M&K – also known as Mike and Kelly

Snarfing - this is the word that I use for the pitiful noise people make when they only have one nostril available to breathe with because of a cold or a hysteric cry fest (like when I watch A Walk To Remember).

hysterics

2003-10-15T08:45:00.000-04:00

So, I disappeared for a few days – sorry. Its still midterms and I am basically running myself ragged trying to remember Buddha’s life, South American exports and the difference between two different Spanish verbs that both mean 'to be'. Aside from the fact that I feel that one of my professors needs to have her chemical levels checked and/or have a permanent prescription to Prozac, the semester is going well so far.

First, I’d like to give a shoutout to Kim, for being such a great and wonderful girl and for recently getting engaged to Jim. I know, Kim and Jim….could anything be cuter? In a different world it would be weird but Kim is just awesome so it’s totally cool.

A shoutout to Kelly because she is the master of amusement parks – of which you will find out more later.

So, this weekend we fun. We went to a party with one of Luke’s friends (whose name is Alan by the way – I’m so rude! I don’t even introduce people in diary entries! Hello – one admission to Miss Marple’s Academy for Ettiquette, please!). Apparently, it was a birthday party for some girl that lived in his building and as I learned from Alan’s friend and neighbor, Josh, she was kinda’ the um…skank…of the building. Or that is the vibe that I got anyway. And I must say, eye glitter to match your shirt when you are turning 30 is probably a little over the top. Jello Shots? They are most certainly called for though and I did partake of them to help celebrate um………oh, yeah – Mindy’s birthday. I don’t know if it was the fact that you could light the margaritas that we had on fire or if I was just a light weight but I ended up getting a more than a leeetle drunk on Saturday.

Which gives a nice opener and segue to the events that happened on Sunday. See how I did that? In your face person that says I can’t write understandable things. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

Anyway, to Sunday. Luke and I woke up on Sunday morning at Alan’s house because we did not feel comfortable driving home the night before. We woke up after a good 6 or 7 hour nap and went home to take care of the dog. We got to the house and Luke left again to get the dog to her Uncle Johns so she could hang out with him while we were out of town for the day.

Coffee was not involved at this point but I did get to do a blank stare shower for about 15 minutes (if you don’t know what that is I will be posting JennSpeak vocabulary hints at some point - oh, look - I just did.) so that definitely helped the situation. Mike and Kelly got to our house soon after we returned and we set off to Busch Gardens.

The drive was about 3 hours long and I did pretty well considering there were Old Bay potato chips in the car (which smell like a huge crab feast in a bag) and I was, yes, very hungover. I drank about 2 tons of water while we were in the car and only asked Luke three times if we were there yet. We got to the park and Kelly squealed a little when she saw the coasters. We proceeded to park the car and get all of our amusement park ensembles together.

I was doing better once we started walking around and was fine when we were in line for Apollo’s Chariot but I was so NOT okay when we clunked up the hill and were about to descend what felt like 35 stories back down. Yeah, for those first couple of rides I kept my mouth firmly shut at all times. If anyone has ever been hungover on a roller coaster you know what I mean.

After a few coasters we decided to eat to which my stomach replied, “thanks!”. I loaded up on alcohol absorbing spaghetti because at that point I had come to the conclusion that when I woke up I was still drunk. So, yay. Food safely in stomach and we were on our way again. Kelly was so cute because she hadn’t been to an amusement park for about 10 years so she was so ready to commit the park map to memory and run in every direction possible in search of rides, cotton candy and more rides.

My hangover subsided a lot during the day but my exhaustion was highlighted when we were on our last ride waiting to ‘decoaster’ and some guy kept saying ‘yay!’. The word itself is funny but this guy was saying it like the guy on Crank Yankers was and it just set me off. I started laughing so hard that I almost threw up right there. How hard WAS I laughing? Well, being tired does weird things to me so I had idiotic giggles of a hysterical nature coming out of me – gasping for air as tears ran down my face. I an effort to try to trick my body into a different mode, I started kicking my feet back and forth – five-year-old-in-a-restaurant-booth style. This is the kind of laughter that scares the people around you. They wait quietly for your head to spin around or for you to just combust – well, neither of those things happened and I continued to carry on with this insane behavior for at least another three minutes. If you were in Busch Gardens Williamsburg on Sunday and heard crazy mad giggles from a short white girl, well, Hi! That was me.

All and all it was a fun day, we ate a lot of crap and rode some rides. We learned that the glo-stick people at Busch Gardens are incredibly stressed and shouldn’t be approached to purchase said glo-sticks. The person we dealt with was very much like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, she was a Glo-Stick Nazi. She got all confused and pissed when we tried to buy two glow sticks (which are $1 each) with a five dollar bill, then some uppity woman terminated our conversation by basically talking over us and grabbing all of the Glo-Stick Nazi’s attention. Then another rude kid came in and all hell broke loose after that. Apparently, there should be a Glo-Stick worker’s group established to help relieve the stress of selling glo-sticks and counting change.

Glo-Stick vendors unite!

I just now got it

2003-10-08T08:44:00.000-04:00

I have known Noelle for probably a little over 5 years now and she has continued to be a huge ray of sunshine in my life. We have been drinking buddies and vented our frustrations about life to each other. She was maid of honor at my wedding and made everybody cry when she said her speech. Noelle was there for 'tiger britches', a rather questionable birthday 'card' written on a chalkboard and 'the Mark'. I love Noelle - she's just the greatest damn thing ever.

We once sat in the back of a sports car on our way to a bridal shower for our friend Jill and ‘made’ her a present because that’s what the invitation said. Little did we know that ‘make something for her wedding night’ did not mean get the biggest granny bra and panties you can find, cut holes in *ahem* strategic places and write “ride him home and put him away wet’ and other quality phrases all over them. We also didn’t know that we weren’t supposed to tie mini bottles of Yager to the bra with a big bow and put glitter on it but oh, well – it was fun for us and I don’t think Jill’s great aunt minded too much when she unwrapped it.

Noelle and I have had many wonderful experiences together and I know we will someday continue our raucous behavior once again when we live closer. (I live on *bleh* the East Coast and she lives 'sunny and 75' San Diego). I miss her so much and have thought about her often but never more so than right now.

Noelle told me a few months ago that she was going to have a baby. Now, I’ve always KNOWN what that means but since she is the first one of my friends to have a baby it didn’t really hit me until a moment ago when I was looking at her registry online.

One of my very best friends in the world. Someone I have shared my happiest moments and my darkest moments with. We’ve partied together, cried together, laughed together and learned about life in general in each other’s presence and while knowing each other. We’ve GROWN together. When I first met her I was 18 – I’m 23 now and I have done insane amounts of soul searching and I know that she has, too. She just registered for little booties and other stuff that is cute but I have no clue what it's purpose is. She will soon know what it feels like to love something so crazily and completely. This, to me, is exciting, amazing and absolutely wonderful.

This amazing woman is going to pass on all her love, all of her thoughts, quirks, hopes and dreams onto another life. I am so amazed and excited by this that I just don’t know what to say. A small version of Noelle, whether it be a girl or boy, will be presented to the world sometime in January.

So, congratulations to the sweetest girl to ever walk the earth because she is bringing life into the world. You both will make the most kick-ass parents ever. Also, I can’t wait to tell your kids about all the crazy things you’ve done…..I think we have some of it on video. Ha! Maybe I better be careful or my kids might someday question me about the crazy lies that Aunt Noelle has been telling about me. Hmmmmm.......

Mike and Kelly's wedding

2003-10-07T08:42:00.000-04:00

Things I learned at M&K’s wedding:

- Eight year olds driving golf carts in the dead of night is not the safest mode of transportation.

- Never drink a glass of wine (or many glasses) while playing the ‘spinning game’ with four year olds.

- Stealing a golf cart is a lot more fun when you have an accomplice to witness your devious behavior.

- The ‘aftermath’ of a crab feast can equal a room being cleared out. We almost had to set fire to a bathroom to purge the demons within.

- The proper way to drink Uzso is to raise your glass and shout, “Hoop-a” – any other deviation from that sacred ritual makes you look like a drunken dumbass but if you shout “Hoop-a” you look like you know what you are talking about.

- Somehow, guys will always be able to find out what the score of the game is. I don’t even think it matters who is playing or what it is but they seem to just be happy knowing a sports score.

- Wedding hangovers feel better than other hangovers.

- I just might name my first born son Santiago after the saintly staff member at the resort that continually helped – always above and beyond the call of duty. Duct tape? Coffee? Bottle opener? Chauffer for the golf cart? Lighter? He’s got it all – and he gets everything Looney Tunes style – it just appears to come out of his pockets or out of thin air.

- All the nicknames you hate? Yeah, people will insist on calling you at least one of them. Smile and nod.

- When an officiant (minister, reverend, etc.) knows your name and your face and you’ve never even met them, it’s probably time to revisit how much you sin because it seems that someone is filling everyone in.

- Kids don’t like it when you say “let’s play a game” and it results in being quiet or holding still. Your adoring public will quickly turn on you if you do that. So naturally, yoga and meditation are not entertaining to little kids – plus they can almost put their legs behind their heads so they can totally school you.

- Feeding wedding cake to kids at nine o’clock at night to keep them busy for a moment will turn into a bad idea in about 30 minutes.

- Never take off uncomfortable shoes until the night is completely over. Your feet will swell to about 14 times their normal size and your pain will be magnified by about the same amount when you have to put your shoes back on. I know the guys are asking why I’d wear uncomfortable shoes in the first place and this is my answer: “Duh, they’re pretty!”

- Never, ever, ever, EVER let a bride know that something is wrong. Threaten bodily harm and even death to keep people from telling her anything. And always have tissues. If you forget tissues you suck.

- Uncomfortable but very pretty shoes: $50

- Stuff to put in your hair: $35

- Elfish but still sexy and cool bridesmaid’s dress: $200

- Average cost of a wedding: let’s just say it’s a lot
____________________________________________________

- Seeing the bride’s mother cry as she is watching her daughter get married

- Seeing the look on Mike’s face when he saw Kelly

- Hearing Kelly’s barely above a whisper vows

- Seeing two people very dear to you pledge their lives to each other

- All of it: totally, completely and utterly PRICELESS ____________________________________________________

Kirby girl

2003-10-07T08:40:00.000-04:00

Alot went on this weekend and more will be going on this week. Might be a bit of a hiatus for me because of midterms AND I just got a Kirby - so now I can paint the walls, shampoo and vaccum the floors and if I wanted to get the other attachment, I could sand the deck. I told Luke that my having this is the equivalent of giving a thirteen year old a big screen TV and the world's best gaming system.

Sadly hilarious and kinda scary quote from me to Luke from a dead sleep that I was in moments before:

Midnight - "Can I vaccum right now? Do you think the neighbors would care?"

Some of you thought I was a normal person until this point. Sorry to dissapoint. I am, in fact, a complete contradiction of craziness. My house is immaculate to others but a sty to me and my car is always a total sty (most literally) and most people would be frightened to sit in the backseat but it doesn't bother me too much. Luke threatened to take my nice car away and make me drive his old one. I should see if there is a group established for people like me. Now I'm just babbling. Sigh. I'll write a real entry after I vaccum the mattresses and ceiling.

like "The Birds" but with squirrels....so, it would be "The Squirrels".....forget it - Squirrely. Damn, I hate it when I use stupid titles!

2003-10-02T08:37:00.000-04:00

So this morning I was driving to class after I had spent 2 hours trying to get a stupid CD that I got with my Geography book to work, and I saw this daredevil of a squirrel crossing a power line that stretched ACROSS the parkway. The parkway that I speak of has two lanes of traffic in each direction and, since it is Virginia, everybody drives like a bat out of hell.

So, this David Blane of squirrels, death wish obviously written out for his little squirrel friends to complete after his demise, was just truckin’ along this power line, stopping every once in a while to check out traffic and rub his little paws together. I always think squirrels are up to something when the rub their little paws together all cartoon-villan like. Animals never cease to amaze me. But as I watched him (I was at a stop light so I had time to analyze) I wondered was on the other side that was so appealing to him.

Since I was near campus I wondered if there was a frat for squirrels that he was trying to join and that this might be part of the hazing process. Can’t you just see all the little squirrels high-fiving and giving little paw shakes like on that GEICO commercial when he completes his ‘challenge’. I wonder if squirrels throw really awesome keggers?

Or maybe he was trying to impress a hot squirrel or maybe it was part of gym class, like the human equivalent of climbing the rope. I was also reminded of the squirrels that used to eat our Christmas lights while they were plugged in, they’d just chew through the wires and run off with the bulbs, leaving the circuit broken so our house looked more like Arkansas-style Christmas than California (no offense to anyone, I swear. But judging from my GuestMap only two people, both from Canada read this anyway. Not so subtle HINT! HINT!) I’m sure if you really, really can’t live without seeing the tape I can get you a copy.

Anyway, my question is this…..

Are squirrels going to take over the world? Check it: they are ballsy (or, if you like bad jokes, they got huge nuts), they are really quick, they bite really freaking hard when you tease them with a bagel and they have those little devious hand gestures. So, what’s up with squirrels? Will they be like the dolphins on the Simpsons and force us into the woods to live while they live in our homes and drive our cars? Will they leave peanuts out for us to eat and watch us as we scamper around their cities, campuses and yards?

Apparently, I am little miss behind-the-times because there are already websites about the squirrel revolution:

Squirrel Hazing: The Untold Story

and here’s a little something to brighten your day. Only the very wise and enlightened understand the genius of the squirrel that goes WEEEEEEEEEE! (or we’re all just insane but I’d rather call myself a genius so there.)

when I grow up I wanna'...............

2003-09-30T08:34:00.000-04:00

The Bizzaro World from the last entry has almost completely disappeared. I can’t decide which is more scary, the Bizzaro World itself or the fact that it just completely vanished into thin air.

But on to other things, now.

Yay! Check it out! The OC returns on Oct 29th! So excited!

Nothing is really annoying me or pissing me off so I really don’t now what to say about anything. It’s very weird not being annoyed by anything – I don’t know what to do with my time.

So, I am going to comment on the article that I saw on ANANOVA.

------------------------------------

Some German teenagers want to be criminals

Some German teenagers want to be pimps, drug dealers or gun runners when they grow up.

Essays on dream jobs by pupils across the country showed that anything associated with crime was seen as "cool".

Traditional dream jobs had lost some of their appeal reported daily newspaper Express Zeitung.

Some youths were even turning their dreams into reality before they leave school by becoming runners for drug pushers.

But the news for parents is not all bad, reported the newspaper. A life in the police force fighting crime is also high on the list of youthful ambitions.

------------------------------------

And now, I wrote a quiz on what you should be when you grow up because we all need help figuring that out.

1) You are at the store and picking out candy for Halloween. Which type of candy do you pick?
a) Nestle Crunch
b) Hershey’s Kisses
c) Mentos
d) Skittles

2) You’ve won tickets to a concert but can only take one of your friends. Who do you take?
a) your best friend, because she/he been there for you
b) a person you know who is always wild and crazy – can’t ever predict what he/she is going to do next
c) the person in your class/office that doesn’t really seem to have any friends but is really nice
d) Your hot girlfriend/boyfriend – people always look at them and when you are with that person it makes you feel important.

3) You are going camping for a few days and can only take the absolute necessities:
a) Your diary and some crayons
b) Some makeup/grooming stuff and a camera to take pictures of yourself in the wilderness
c) A deck of cards, a gameboy or your favorite book
d) Pictures of you and your friends to show the wildlife

4) You are out on the perfect date – where are you at?
a) A kitchy coffee shop where all the artists go
b) The restaurant to be seen at in town
c) Walking on the beach
d) At your house because that’s where the party’s at

5) You just renewed your subscription to your favorite magazine, which one is it?
a) People/Sports Illustrated
b) Glamour/The New Yorker
c) Scientific American
d) Cosmopolitan/Maxim

If you picked:

Mostly A’s

You prefer keeping a low profile but you still like to be around people. You like to keep the friends that you have but you are always willing to make new ones. You are outgoing but only show it in certain situations where you feel comfortable with the people around you. You are smart and can read people very well - you would make an excellent drug runner or dealer.

Mostly B’s

You seem to have a flair for the dramatic. You love to dress up and go out to the places where you know people will notice you – the spotlight is where you feel at home. You are definitely not a wallflower and probably do not plan to get some of the attention that you receive – it just comes naturally. You are a natural public relations person and would make a wonderful porn star or exotic dancer.

Mostly C’s

You are a bit of a loner and tend to make friends with lost souls. You like to be the helper and problem solver in relationships and you tend have a very idealistic approach to how the world should be. You always make your friends and family feel taken care of – that’s why you’d make an excellent Sugar Daddy or “Sugar Momma”.

Mostly D’s

Where ever it is loud and rowdy is where you are at. You are always looking for the best places to party with your friends. You seem to be the natural leader of your group of friends and people always come to your for advise and guidance. Your natural ability to lead and your sharp business skills will serve you well. You would make a very successful pimp or madam.

Welcome to Bizzaro World

2003-09-26T08:32:00.000-04:00

Welcome to bizzaro world…

Welcome to Bizzaro World where things that should be aren’t and things that are aren’t really. In Bizzaro World there are a few rules:

• Crap on your friends, family, co-workers and people you don’t even know at least once a day – if you are motivated go ahead and do it more than that. Make sure to treat everyone that questions you as inhumanely as possible.

• Suck up to your bosses so much that everyone notices. Drop everything to say hello to them and always make polite conversation even in the midst of a disaster.

• Act completely insane one minute and then all hyper, peppy fun lady the next.

• Constantly interrupt everyone and say that you are right about something when an issue is being addressed. Even if you have nothing to do with the problem and won’t be affected in any way by the outcome and decision that is trying to be made, make sure that it is always your way.

• Ask for someone’s opinion on something and as soon as they give it say, “I’m the professional and you aren’t so this is what we are going to do”

• Embarrass people in front of friends, family, co-workers and people they don’t even know

• Don’t respect other people’s feelings and for God’s sake don’t ever feel that you should try to understand their point of view.

• Bring back at least of the following items every time you go to the gym: a bag of snack sized Snickers, a box of Moon Pies or a venti Frappucino from Starbucks. Because it doesn’t count because you went to the gym.

• Always blame others for your mistakes, inadequacies and problems.

• Tell people one thing and then the next day, talk to them as if you never spoke to them the first time and tell them something completely different. Do not show any sign of knowing that you ever have spoken about this topic before that very moment. If someone asks why you changed your mind, blame it on them.

• Always show complete and total disregard for: morals, ethics and etiquette.

Follow these rules and you, too, can live in the always fabulous, never boring Bizzarro World.

Sorry – rough day at work. Hopefully next week will be better.

reliving the sex talk

2003-09-24T08:29:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry – I disappeared for a little while.........

Shoutout to Angela for understanding the intense frustration of crappy vanity plates and the scary-ass people that sometimes have them (the lady in Houston is not included - love your ideas and congrats again on the new car).

I was watching E! a moment ago because I had to fulfill my celebrity fashion quota for the day. I don’t know why but I am still totally all about reading about or watching stuff about celebrities lives. I know my life is interesting but I don’t think people would watch my A&E Biography for two reasons: one, I’m not famous (obviously or the diary name would be famousandfabjenn) and two, I haven’t hit rock bottom in anything yet so there'd be no climax to the show (well, if you count being either completely or at least half drunk for three whole months after I graduated from high school because my parents didn’t let me do anything when I lived with them but that’s a different story – if you want to hear about that craziness, email me).

I get totally into People magazine when Luke has band practice. I’m almost serious when I ask Kelly and Barb, “can you BELEIVE what she wore.......” when I really shouldn’t be because there are times when I do the smell test to find something to wear. I’m not a completely gross individual, I swear, but I do on occasion get a little bit of a kick out of the following fashion “mistakes”: not matching anything, wearing sequins in broad daylight, dressing like I’m sixteen when I’m *ahem*....twenty-three, wearing 3-6 inch platforms, sandals or whatever almost everywhere I go.

And now, some stuff about my parents

I have been thinking about my parents’ relationship with me. I used to think that my parents were the dorkiest people and the most unbalanced on the planet. This is something that is apparently totally normal so, I totally expect our children to think that of us.

After moving out I have noticed that I have become much closer to my parents. Mostly because my Dad can’t scare me with his (creatively named by me) scary yell/growl/barely talking thing when he’s mad at me and my Mom can no longer force me to color code my closet (though she does try from thousands of miles away). I am noticing that I am really raising my parents now.

I am telling my parents when to go to the doctor, when to stop working so much and when to just calm the fuck down because they are overreacting or being retarded. Yes, I called my Mom retarded the other day and do you know what she did?

A little background on my Mom - the woman’s idea of messing up the kitchen is switching the salt and pepper shakers from their normal salt on the left and pepper on the right to the opposite. She’s totally Kathy Bates in Misery about her house. She can literally say that someone has been in the kitchen because the dishtowel has moved an inch over from where it was before. I kid you not – it’s weird.

So anyway, Mom was freaking out about something and I told her that she was being retarded and she LAUGHED. She thought it was funny.

Parents get freaky as they get older and you think it would be funny or cool but it’s not. My Mom called me a couple of months ago and we were randomly talking about movies and stuff. She started laughing hysterically and was talking about this movie that she and my Dad went to see. By the way, my Mom is like 58 and my Dad (who is my step-dad but totally my Dad) is 78.

So, Mom was giggling forever and finally forced the words out “American Pie III”. I was totally stunned. There are things in that movie that you just don’t want to know that your parents know about. I mean, obviously all parents should know about certain things otherwise they wouldn’t be parents but Stiffler eating dog shit and the whole shaving thing? Oh, yeah, I about passed out right there.

I had to put a quick stop on the conversation when she started saying, “your Dad was tearing up – he was laughing so hard about the part at the restaurant when the guy said ‘you’ve mad me the happiest guy in the world’ and he had that big erection!”. At that point, I almost threw up because hearing that type of thing from your mother and hearing her laugh about it with you (or in my case, just at me because I was SO not laughing) is just weird. It’s like having the sex talk all over again but this time you don’t forget how you felt about it as easily. Ick!!!!!!!

I can see my Dad as my Mom described him in the theater, laughing and tearing up with my Mom while a bunch of teenagers are turning around and looking at them being all, “oh. my. god. there’s old people in here!”. It is kind of funny but just a little too weird, too.

After they went to see the movie, my Dad insisted that they rent the other ones as well. It’s weird how once your parents hit a certain age, they revert back to teenagers. My parents and I are almost the same age now, I guess. I’m glad we don’t live in the same town because I can totally see me somewhere and my parents hiding in some corner talking to their friends saying, “oh, shit, my kid is here! I told her I was at home! She’s SO embarrassing!”

The entry where I don’t know what to say so I will just say everything…..

2003-09-22T08:21:00.000-04:00

We weathered the storm quite well – no broken windows, no flying cows and, most unfortunately, no wicked witches were crushed during the storm that was Isabel. I could probably name a few people that would have, or still do, fit in the wicked witch category and if they don’t know who they are then they should be ashamed of themselves. I don’t let people I don’t like know about this journal anyway but my luck being what it is they would google their name and here it would be in an entry slamming them and everything that they stand for – if I were to name those people. So I won’t.

It was interesting to test myself and my character during the storm. I found that, contrary to what I said when I was nine, I do NOT want to live like Laura Ingalls Wilder. I don’t really like being without drinkable water, power or internet access for more than about 6 hours. I don’t really know how to cook anything that doesn’t come in a box with some manner of directions and preferably less than four steps total – otherwise I just end up ordering pizza. I did get to catch up on some reading – we were all Abe Lincoln in nature with candles everywhere. Kelly put it best when she said, “it was fun for a little while then we just really had to get out of the house”. The worst part was not being able to shower and even though it was only for a day I really began to appreciate the modern world. So, yay – life is back to normal if that is what we called it before.

Sorry for the short entry – I promise I will come up with something good soon!

Here’s something to keep you busy until I come back -------

I know it’s a load of crap but it’s funny.

Mother Nature likes her martinis with two olives and dirty

2003-09-18T08:15:00.000-04:00

So Luke and I are taking on Hurricane Isabel full force, with a sixer of beer, a magnum of wine and another regular bottle of wine. So we’re ready for whatever Mother Nature has to bring because if she stops by our house, we’ll just have a drink with her and chat a bit as the cheap townhouse siding is ripped off of our house. I doubt it will be that bad that the siding leaves the house but it would be nice because I’ve never been the #1 fan of siding anyway.

Last time we had a lot of wind we woke up and found that a small, decorative tree had fallen in our ‘backyard’. I was actually quite excited because I didn’t like the tree. I don’t know if it was because it was phallicly shaped or what but I did a little dance when I saw it lying on the ground. Yay! Ugly tree is gone dance!

For those who aren’t up to date on our huge spread of land that we have in Virginia, well, we have like a 6 foot x 6 foot plot in the ‘front yard’ and about the same amount in the back. I guess Virginia is for Lovers because you have to love everybody since you are so freaking packed in. If you check out the Virginia website there is a really hilarious picture of two people at a restaurant, drinking what I can only assume is Virginia wine. But if you look closely, it kinda’ looks like the girl is about to just blind-side the guy with a “it’s not you it’s me” speech. Looks like she just fake-laughed, too. She seems kinda’ frigid – he’s all trying to toast to something and she’s just not playing along. What a bitch! I’m gonna just put the picture up with the entry so you can see what I mean because I don’t want our Ken Doll of a governor (icky Mark Warner – met him and not a fan) to get all excited that people are visiting his site. But look at me, I’m just going on and on about frigid bitch and nice guy and I don’t even know them. But if I did I’d give the guy a hug and tell the girl off.

See? She doesn’t deserve nice guy – he is always doing nice things for her and taking her everywhere and she never shows him any respect!

Anyway, so we’ve just taken naps and are resting up for our little hurricane party. We did a practice run last night – even the dog was a little tipsy. Please don’t send me emails about cruelty to animals because I love my dog like a child but I figure a little bit of wine won’t hurt her and when she gets older and has parties at the house while we are away she won’t go ass-wild because she will respect alcohol and proclaim that we are the coolest parents EVER for leaving for the weekend and letting Uncle Jon watch her. Jon drinks scotch and is a guys’ guy - which means he has a TV that completely blocks all of the windows in his living room and he had to move his couch back about four feet to get the ‘better effect’. So we really should get Olive’s tolerance up a little – she’s already a wild child – she’s got a tattoo and she’s barely three.

PL8S 101: Introduction to personalized license plate ettiquette

2003-09-16T08:11:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to have an issue with people’s personalized license plates. I was behind CUL8RI1 today and I have spent the last three hours trying to figure out what the hell that license plate is supposed to mean. I used to think that it was a source of entertainment but now I think that the hard to understand personalized plate takes valuable concentration away from those driving.

I am all for people having plates that are easy to understand and don’t cause any undue mental stress like the one I saw today. I think it’s cute and funny when I see stuff like WEB GURL or BE HAPY – easy to understand and brings a smile. That’s what it should be – I shouldn’t have to think for more than 5 seconds about what your license plate is trying to say about you.

Some plates are absolutely invaluable as far as I’m concerned – if your state will allow you to get them because it seems all of the good ones (much like jokes and movies) have “bad” words. Check out the Seinfeld episode about the ASSMAN plates. My sister-in-law in California, who is an OB-GYN, once said that she wanted plates that say BOX DOC. Jesse is so cool like that, I wouldn’t have the ovaries to drive around a car “called” BOX DOC.

Then there are some plates where the people obviously have an extremely high opinion of themselves. I remember as a kid in California, I’d see guys driving around cars that proclaimed that they were “TO COOL” or something and usually the person driving was kinda’ bleh. There should be a review board for those types of things just to make sure that people aren’t misrepresenting themselves with their cars (because I know for a fact that people don’t buy cars to make them look smarter, richer or cooler).

Personalized plates can also be hazardous – people will never forget your plates if you pissed them off or something. We once got bumped by a guy in a truck and he refused to stop and look at the huge black mark he left on the bumper of our car. Luke sprinted to their truck was really nice to the folks in N1GHTRDR, even though driver screamed at him and called him everything but the gentleman that he is. So, the guy and his ?wife? (who I thought was a man, too – but that’s a different story) sped off trying to get away from us so I gladly went after them and was singing the COPS theme song the whole time. “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha’ gonna’ do? Whatcha’ gonna’ do when they come for you?”

That was really fun speeding through the streets of Alexandria, testin’ out my ride. Luke made me stop though, since he’s the level-headed one who came to the conclusion that 1) we might hurt ourselves and 2) let’s just call the cops on our cell phone. So that’s part of my high-speed chase story – it was more of an OJ Simpson chase since we didn’t get past 35-40 on access roads behind the shopping center but it felt like we were going 120.

Then there are the plates that can have a double meaning. I saw TXGIRL and immediately thought, “yay – a Texas person!” but then I wondered if she was an accountant. A girl I had a class with had DLPH1NZ as a plate and I thought it was trying to say dol-feen-ez, which I thought sounded like the name of a used car salesman or person who sold jewelry and watches out of his trenchcoat but swears that it’s a real Rolex. But, after asking her, I found out that she likes dolphins. I know a girl that spent an entire workday trying to figure out how to fit Asian Spice on a license plate. The world is just getting too complicated.

So, I think that maybe I should establish a list of do’s and don’t when a person is deciding upon a license plate ‘name’.

PL8 ETIQUETTE

• Do not pick a name that is hard for the layman to understand – it causes accidents and mental frustration of those who drive behind you. Anybody who can figure out CUL8RI1, please leave me a note or sign my guestbook – I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Everybody reading this is probably all, “Damn, she’s stupid – I knew what that was in like 2 seconds!”

• If you want a license plate that might be understood incorrectly because of abbreviation, please be ready to have your car egged by people who are bitter about their tax returns or be mooned by people from Oklahoma. Example: TXGURL.

• Be a nice driver – don’t yell at people and don’t drive aggressively because people are more likely to remember your plate if it’s personalized. Then, when they are driving their brand-spankin’ new Hummer in the parking lot of the grocery store they might just decide to park ON your car because they can’t find a space. Does anybody remember this quote….”Face it ladies, I’m older and I have more insurance”?

• Please be sure that you are not overestimating your coolness, spiciness or hotness when picking out your license plate – you don’t want to lie to the general public. Modesty is a virtue, folks.

• Finally, do not pick out plates that are of a questionable nature. Do you really want to get pulled over for doing a California Roll at a stop sign if you have plates that say BYOB, SMOKEY or GOTBEER? I think not. You’d probably get a full cavity search before you can even get your license and registration out.

Class dismissed……..

please, hurricane, land on Spanish test day!

2003-09-15T08:10:00.000-04:00

So this week just might suck a little because not only do I have a Spanish test but there is a hurricane headed our direction. I didn’t really think anything of the hurricane that I heard about on the radio until I got to work. Apparently, my mommy – as loving and wonderful a mommy as she is – called my office at around noon and of course couldn’t find me because I was in class. Mom talked to Ellen instead and freaked HER out as well. So now, I’m all planning a family outing somewhere a couple of hundred miles away and thinking about how it will sound when I tell my grandchildren about it.

Luke has been absolutely dying to be all old school and have a reason to call the year we are currently living in “ought-three” and I really hope this storm won’t be a reason to hear him all “back in ought-three when me and your grandmother still had all of our own teeth we were evacuated from the nation’s capital – boy that was a sight” and our grandkids will have looks on their faces like “please save me from this story again”. Much like the face I have now when my dad begins to tell the story of how when I was eight I wanted to be president and when I was asked what I wanted to do when I was president, I replied, very seriously, that I wanted three rabbits and a mazzaratti – nothing about my political views, just my simple request for pets and a random car that I had never actually seen in real life.

The worst part about that whole ‘Jennifer wanted to be president story’ is that my Dad has the whole conversation on tape. Yes, folks, old school VHS and if you visit my parents in Texas that will be one of the first things you are told about and made to sit down and watch as my mom stuffs you with peach cobbler and tells you that you need to put on some weight. Oy! Parents! They’re so cute you can’t help but love them. Until they start messing with your hair and sighing, “you were more polite when you were five than you are now”.

That’s all I have right now – honestly I’m too tired to think straight much less write terribly coherently so I’ll just stop here.

Tengo que estudiar para mi examen de español.

viva la revolution!

2003-09-12T08:07:00.000-04:00

have a confession to make. I miss smoking. I miss the camaraderie that the smoker experiences with other smokers. When you are a smoker you always find a friend to chat with for the one or two cigarettes that you smoke before class, after class, whatever. The lighter has become the means for making new friends and starting conversations. I remember the good ol’ days when I made so many smoker friends just by being asked to borrow a light. It’s understood between smokers that there is a definite need for nicotine so if one handles themselves in a polite manner, one can bum a light or a cigarette off of a complete stranger and you instantly have a strange bond.

I met Laura in Austin, TX when I was at school and she needed a light. After that one day we ran into each other outside everyday after that and though we were never really ‘friends’, we were friends. We talked about the world and our theories on life. We’d shake our heads as we exhaled smoke and asked the other what the world was coming to, we’d babble on about our boyfriends and give each other advice on things. I knew more about this girls’ interests and thoughts than I knew about friends I had known since middle school but I didn’t ever get her last name. She was a really cool person and an invaluable source of information on many topics. She moved to Boulder after the semester ended and I never saw her again. At this same time I also met Sunrise, he was a really awesome character as well. I had never seen anyone in real life smoke old school rolled cigarettes and he did. I tried one, tasted like ass, but I learned something new so it was cool.

I also met Pam the same way and we had many conversations about so many things and I learned a hell of a lot from her. She introduced me to online journals and I learned from her how to function as an interesting and fun person in a sometimes boring corporate world that doesn't really want you to be interesting and fun. I learned from her that it's okay to act how you want to act around anybody - to wear pig tails to work or to own t-shirts that proclaim that you are the princess.

I know that smoking is a bad habit to have and it really don’t miss hearing myself wheeze when I get out of my car or the smell of it on my clothes but I do miss the random people you meet when you go outside for a smoke break. I would almost make the statement that smokers are friendlier but I don’t want to offend the non smokers because that would mean all of my friends are not nice and they are. I’d say that smokers, when smoking, are happier because they are doing something that they obviously enjoy so they are more apt to be friendly to total strangers and really share their thoughts. Can you imagine how wonderful the world would be if people were doing something that made them feel better/happy and it was something that they could do in public (I can see wheels in the minds of the pervs just crankin’ – so I added that whole in public thing)

This is why I am trying to come up with some way for the non-smokers of the world to have this same kind of deal. I don’t think a t-shirt that says “I don’t smoke but you can talk to me anyway” would work – that’s like asking ALL of the freaky-freakies to come talk to you. Something more subtle would be better but I am having a hard time thinking of anything that one could do that would require them to be outside and require a secondary item, like a lighter, to complete the process. I can’t think of anything (that’s legal anyway). This has been on my mind for a few days – as you can see I think about THE most important topics like big-assed ants and what the no smoking world should do about making friends with random people. If you have any thoughts about how I should start my revolution, let me know.

a coke, a coke, my kingdom for a coke!

2003-09-09T08:05:00.000-04:00

There I was, on the south side of campus, in need of a sugar laden beverage to keep my spirits up before heading to class. That’s when I started walking towards a building that I knew had vending machines. As I was walking, I could hear in my head that sound that carbonated bottles make when you open them – that beautiful exhale of air that promises the bittersweet feel of effervescence that washes away your miseries and renews your spirit. I quickened my pace as I heard that sound over and over in my head.

I opened the door to the Science and Technology Building and was met with the smell of old, stale air and the sounds of the rustling papers of students waiting in the hall for classes. My flip flops smacked the floors of the hallway as I descended down it and came closer to the sign that pointed me to my goal.

I rounded the corner and like a beacon, the light of the machine called to me and the quiet hum calmed my nerves. I fished four shiny quarters out of my bag and before putting them in the machine I took notice of the states printed on them. I put my change into the machine and was greeted with the sound of them hitting all of the other change in the machine. I stood there trying to make a wise decision on my purchase and came to the conclusion that a Fruitopia Strawberry Passion was what would suit me at that very moment so I pressed the little white button to inform the machine of my need. The machine answered me with a red light and the words “SOLD OUT” flashing across its little screen.

I then proceeded to make another selection of Fruitopia Kiwi Berry to which the machine also replied that it was sold out. I was becoming desperate; I began to push all of the buttons and was told the same thing. I hurriedly pushed the change release button and as I heard the quarters drop onto the cold metal my frustration grew. I took my quarters in my hand and started walking back through the hallway I had just descended. I pushed the door of the building open and walked out into the sunshine and clean air. I inhaled the smell of crepe myrtles as I walked, deliberately through the grass to the Johnson Center. The door was still open from someone that had gone through it so my pace did not change. I stalked through the jungle of tables, book bags and people to find the convenience store located at the farther end of the building. Walking in behind two lovers completely enamored with each other and therefore walking at a snails pace, my eyes locked on the gleaming rows of refrigerated lovelies in the back of the store. As I began frantically searching for what I needed, I came to the conclusion that it could not be found.

Crestfallen, I began to feel as if the world was against me. Then I looked to my left and noticed a happy little bottle of lemonade just waiting for someone to love. I opened the slide door to the refrigerator and grasp the neck of the bottle. It wasn’t exactly what I was originally looking for but I loved it just the same and maybe even more.

The moral to this story is: you find love in the most mysterious places AND if you work for a vending machine company for God’s sake, refill it so people don’t have to go through such torture and agony.
________________

To the facilities folks at GMU-

Hey, I’m not looking for whores or crack, I just want a coke every now and then. I should not have to become a world traveler to get one.

xoxo,

Jenn
__________________

side note: in the south we say 'coke' - doesn't matter if it's Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, whatever - it's a coke.

world record for repeating red-assed baboon

2003-09-08T08:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was in the bathroom doing what people do while they are in there. I’m not going to elaborate because if you don’t know what you do in there then you probably don’t exist really on a human level because it is a normal body function and everybody does it so…I don’t know how to go on with that thought. But I will never get too old to laugh at jokes regarding it because I’m just a child like that.

Anyway, I was in the potty and I noticed this ant (yes, we have ants – we always get them at the same time of year but we’re not living in a hovel or anything – we just get them). This little dude was just trudging across the bathroom floor and my brain began the random question generator as it often does. The first thought in my mind was that this ant was really adventurous because all of the little wussy ants were down on the main floor in the kitchen and here this little guy was just chillin’ in the bathroom. So, obviously this ant is a serious explorer and climber, a Sir Edmund Hillary of ants, if you will. I then noticed that this ant had a big ass. He was not a big ass ant but he was a big-assed ant. I applauded him for the, ahem, junk in his trunk because some people, and apparently, animals have big asses. It isn't any reason to treat them differently from the rest of the world. It’s just our cross, or I guess it would be our ass, to bear.

So here comes the point of all this. You didn’t think I had one did ya’?

Do animals feel self conscious about themselves? Like when I flip my dog’s ears back to look like Dr. Spock - does she get pissed at me? Do those red-assed baboons cry because the world doesn’t know their ‘real’ name and just calls them red-assed baboons and somebody ALWAYS goes “yeah, those poor bastards”. Sure, I call myself short girl because that’s how I’m identified. My name is Jennifer but everybody knows there’s like 6 bazillion of us so I am often called “ya’ know – short Jenn” to which the other person in the conversation replies “oh, yeah – Jenn! I love her! She’s so damn awesome – I wish I was her!”. Well, they’d at least get the first sentence, anyway. Can ya’ tell I like myself? It’s not being self important, I’d much rather call it mentally healthy.

Anyway, off of the subject….sorry. I wouldn’t like it if people referred to me as big-assed Jenn (which I really am but that’s not the issue). Though some use it to their advantage, like JLo, I wouldn’t be all crazy about it. Granted, I’d probably use it to my advantage if I knew that I would be able to get a career other than bit parts in quality porn films like “A tale of two asses” or something but does money really heal the emotional and mental scars of being called “big ass Jenn”? I don’t think so. Getting philosophical on you now, sorry...

So here’s my other question, do animals recognize the differences of other animals? My dog, Olive, for instance, as cute and wonderful as she is, she’s totally the spoiled little bitch. Do the other dogs at the dog park think on some level, “Oh, my GOD! Did you see her new collar? She’s so lucky!" Or, like with a cat I used to have, “Did you see Thor today? He’d such a stoner!" When I think of my old cat Thor, who now lives with his Aunt Katy in Austin and has since been renamed Gravel, I imagine if he were a person he’d be a stoner/skater type because he totally is. Awesome cat.

Or do the red-assed baboons make fun of the baboons with no butt? Or a pink butt? "OH. MY. GOD. Look at her butt - it is SO pink!" It’s really sad the bad rap red-assed baboons get. I just googled red-assed baboons and people talk all kinds of crap about them – not cool, man. They are going to take over the world someday and crap-nasty human will be a phrase that will be adopted by bands or used as a phrase for something that totally sucks.

So those are my two questions about animals that I had when I saw this poor big assed ant on my floor.

You laugh, but what do you think about while you are in there? I probably shouldn’t have asked that but I don’t get easily offended so just try me.

OK, here’s some stuff about red-assed apes (which are called Bonobo apes) because you gotta’ learn something everyday!

Apparently, they are the horniest apes on earth.

There’s also an organization taking donations to put pants on the poor monkeys.

got schooled

2003-09-05T07:58:00.000-04:00

Luke and I went to play tennis yesterday (read: Luke was teaching me how to play and I proceeded to look so incredibly retarded). It was really fun and I learned a whole lot - mostly my lesson revolved around not overdoing something because when you get out of bed the next day you kinda fall flat on your face when you attempt to walk. My ass and my right arm hurt so much that I have just given up on walking correctly or holding anything. This morning I was all little miss holding my coffee with both hands like mom showed me when I was, I don't know, three. I felt like I needed a sippy cup or something.

Anyway, so that was fun. The dog had a great time chasing all of the tennis balls and it was too cute when she just got overwhelmed by the dozens that were bouncing all around her. She kept running after one and then she change directions because there was another one and that one was better then she'd see another and another. I think it's probably considered some kind of abuse to subject an animal to that kind of confusion but it was cute. I would say it's very much the same for me when I find a sale at the mall or when Luke goes to Guitar Center.

So Mike and Kelly came over after our little tennis game and we watched the mother of all TV marathons - the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon while the guys went to play tennis. Kelly and I had so much fun drinking *bottles* (yes, that's plural folks) of wine and howling at Carson and the others. It's unfair that they can be so adorable and get away with saying the cute and terribly raunchy things that they say. Carson was cleaning out the room of one of the straight guys and he had a gas mask on his face and socks on his hands because he didn't want to touch the guys clothes! HA! He also sang a little song that had something to do with nasty socks but I don't remember how it went (just a reminder that there were *bottles* - Kelly and I mean business when we get together) I love how the guys get together and watch the date or whatever the goal was for the whole cleanup process. They always sit around and crack vulgar jokes (which are just so much funnier than clean jokes) and drink cute drinks like cosmopolitans and stuff. I've noticed that they seem to have a different drink to match the 'occasion' that they are watching. Sigh, those guys are so great! Straight guys just don't think of that but dammit - they should. A variety pack of Sam Adams does not a good connoisseur make.

After three hours of talking about making over our men and what we needed to 'manscape' on them, etc. we ordered food and proceeded to open more wine. Guys are so funny - they go play tennis and then go do more bonding exercises like washing a car (Mike and Kelly got a new car). ???? Whatever makes ya' happy.

Kyan: Grooming Guru

Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?
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got schooled

2003-09-05T07:57:00.000-04:00

So, we were watching tennis last night and Luke continued to try to explain the game of tennis in a way that I can comprehend it. It's not that I will probably ever need to keep score but he's an explainy type guy.

Apparently, someone was high when they came up with the scoring (heh.) system for this game. The first time you score you get 15 points, and the second time as well. Then after that you only score 10 and the scores go to 40 (I think). Whatever - my explanation is probably all wrong. But this is my point - why isn't there some standard method for scoring games so I (and hopefully others because I don't want to be THE confused person) can understand what the hell is going on so I don't have to have another conversation about this type of thing. There is one thing that most guys will continue to explain even after you tell them you don't want know, don't care are on fire or whatever - football. Guys can go on and on about downs, lines of scrimmage and all that other stuff and look at you with that 'hello - do you get it now?' look. So annoying! Sorry. I've gotten into these one sided conversations alot lately and I just don't have the balls (or ovaries) to scream at them to shut up. I guess I'm too nice. Maybe I should just watch Andy Roddick and the other hot guys of tennis and keep my mouth shut.

So tonight the guys have a gig at Zig's in Alexandria. Hopefully it will go well because they are trying to recruit another singer so the other singer won't have to *cough* sing anymore. Is there anything wrong with that sentence? because I kinda' think so. But who am I to criticize? Oh, right - I'm ME. I just realized that I answered myself. I may need psychiatric help soon.

This weekend holds nothing incredibly exciting for me. I know, since there is a gig tonight, that there will be some sort of adult beverage involved (probably many). Hopefully the she-man will show up in the red leather skirt again to see the guys play. She was really funny - a little off but still fun!

Orlando (sigh!), stupid people (argh!) and more Orlando (sigh!)

2003-08-29T07:55:00.000-04:00

Mike & Kelly are coming over tonight for a Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers viewing. I know that Kelly is more excited about drinking wine and just watching Orlando Bloom than the whole 'real' reason I decided to have folks over - which was to drink and watch the movie so I guess Kelly and I aren't that far off from the plan. Because it doesn't matter WHAT he does...just as long as we can see him we are fine. He is just the prettiest damn thing - so yummy!

Anyway, so that's the plan for tonight. Here's a rundown of my day because I know people really, really care.

5AM: Olive (dog) and a rather loud thunderstorm wake me up.

6AM: Get up, let Olive out. At this point she's still freaked out that the thunder is out there so she gives the outside world a good stare down before running outside, peeing and running back as fast as she can.

somewhere between 7 and 7:30AM - get to school and proceed to drink massive amounts of coffee while waiting for my class to start. A few thoughts go through my mind - and, yes, I'm gonna share....

1. How did all of these girls at this school get so skinny? I guess they haven't gained their freshman 15 yet but still, I feel fat with these people around. Maybe I'll transfer to a fatter school so I will look thinner....hmmmm....

2. With as much coffee as the cast of Friends drinks, why don't they ever get the following: insane urges to pee or, well, you know the other when you drink coffee, kidney or other 'filtration organ' infections, mad-crazy shakes and/or jitters and finally, yellow teeth? Again, everything else on TV is totally realistic so why shouldn't this show be as well?

3. I have a lot of time on my hands to randomly think about stupid things. Instead of getting to school early I could have washed the car, slept more or something productive.

around 10:30AM - get to my class that I had to enroll in because my advisor is an idiot and told me I could handle a class I couldn't handle so I had to drop it and find another one, also known as Spanish. This class turned out to be really cool. The professor in there speaks about 75% in Spanish and contrary to what I thought it is actually really easy to catch on (or, in my case, catch back up). Espanol es muy interesante y facil! (see, check me out...I'm such a dork)

12:20PM - I rush out of class to get to the car to get home and walk Olive. I run Olive outside to pee and she gives me this look - as much as a dog can do, even the coolest and smartest dog in the world, which she is - this look like, "what the fuck, mom?". I put her back in the house with some treats the TV on and race to work. Who else has been in the situation where they are either very late, very wired or both and it seems as if a legion of slow, retarded (no offense to anyone), gas-pedal challenged drivers has just been released from a meeting of the Annoying People of America Club? I am usually a nice person but sometimes I just feel like ramming these people in the ass with my car when they get all slow, non-turn signaly and 'oh, look at that random patch of flowers or dirt or whatever, I want to slow down to 2 MPH on this major highway and look closer'. Can ya' tell I got pissed? Yeah, because I did. But I'm better now.

So - it's almost 3PM now. I did make it to work without running anyone over or flipping anyone off but I can really close. I don't have anything to do so I'm trying to look like I have things to do. So pumped about Orlando Bloom...I mean, Lord of the Rings! Yay for three day weekends and blonde elves!

my so-called boring life

2003-08-28T07:53:00.000-04:00

So I must say that folks at this university aren't the most informed people in the human race but I'm willing to get past that as long as I get the CORRECT advising for next semester.

I had to drop my Native American Anthro class because I didn't meet the requirements - which meant I had to search around this morning like a fucking crazy person to find another class to take. But the greatest. thing. ever. happened because of it. I got to drop my Classical Literature class! Ya' know, the most boring class ever in the history of this world and any other? Anyway, so that's exciting.

Nothing else is really happening in my boring life, though. I'm not as interesting as some people think (and I'm sure there aren't that many of them). I will write something interesting if something interesting ever happens to me.

I can always dream about interesting things, though. Or I can just watch other people do cool stuff.

a rant and a prayer

2003-08-27T07:52:00.000-04:00

OK - here come the ranting.....

What is it with people that feel they need to be assholes to get where they need to go on the highway, in the store or in life?

Yesterday it was raining so hard as I left work that the roads began flooding almost immediately. People were still trying to cut me off left and right, though. Isn't there some law of karma that states that you shouldn't act up and/or be nasty to others during freakish storms, acts of God (or whomever you worship) or Christmas time or your bad mojo will be delivered upon you a hundred times worse? If there isn't then there should be....

I'm not as mad as I was yesterday so I guess I'm really over it but I thought I'd share.

I watched the OC last night and, like a dedicated fan, I was completely glued to the TV for the hour. I am so excited for next week's episode because I think Summer gets shot and I don't like her so it's gonna be great. Not offense to the actress herself, but Summer completely sucks as a person on the show

higher education at it's best

2003-08-25T07:51:00.000-04:00

So first day of being an official university student – I have learned a very valuable lesson already and I’m sure it’s one that will stick with me for the rest of my life: Never attempt to use your brain before 9AM without the aid of caffeine.

I got to my first class on time, so by 7:30AM I was comfortable sitting in class. Comfortably perched on a two drawer file cabinet, but hey – I’m not one to complain too much and it cooled off my butt because it was, like, 600 degrees in that room. After the obligatory handing out of the syllabus and all, the professor requested that we all talk to a person beside us and introduce that person to the rest of the class. She then continued and asked, “Have any of you done anything like that before?”, to which I replied under my breath, “Yeah….at camp” (not band camp, though – introduction there are probably made with fewer clothes and wind instruments, I’m sure.) So, I got to meet the person beside me and proceeded to feel so fucking old that I could have applied for AARP right then and there when she said, “I’m recently engaged but please don’t tell anyone that because I don’t want to be the old engaged girl”………as opposed to being the old, haggard and barefoot married girl. Oh, well – like I’ve said before, at least I can buy beer. There’s one girl in my class that was born in 1984 – dude.

So, after that class I schlepped my books and caffeine needing self across campus to my Buddist Art History class. This class seems really interesting and I’m really excited about being able to expand my knowledge in that area. There’s one drawback – she that must not be named is in the class with me so I guess I should form some sort of defensive shield against her powers. We’ll see how that goes.

Then, back across campus where I started I found myself in the MOST BORING CLASS EVER in the history of the world and any other worlds that may exist beyond our knowledge. The professor seems really cool but she’s got that tone of voice that just makes you want to curl up with your blankie and take a little nap (or at least an hour and 15 minute nap). She’s got a Eastern European accent which makes it challenging to understand all of the words that are coming out of her mouth so everyone in the class had that really calm but funny dazed look on their faces – if you seen THAT scene in Ferris Bueller then you know what I mean. I actually had to take a little potty break during class so I took a few moments to jump up and down in the hallway a few hundred times to wake myself up. Apparently, it’s supposed to be an easy class so I will stay in it because and easy ‘A’ for an upper level class is like gold to me.

So, now I’m at work and it’s just about colder than hell in here. WTF?

'Last' moments

2003-08-22T07:49:00.000-04:00

So today is the day. I feel like I should be more pumped or emotional or something instead of feeling indifferent. I walked up the stairwell to work for the last time today. I am officially starting school on Monday and will be working here four hours a day but I won't ever have to walk up that stairwell again at 7 in the morning. I almost feel like I should sit here at my desk with a steaming cup coffee and be like on of the old school commercials that tell you to 'celebrate the moments of your life'. I am probably the only person in the world that remembers those commercials so my whole visual is probably lost. Have you ever known that you were in a 'last' moment but didn't care? Am I a bad person for just being ready to leave? Who knows anymore.

A friend from a while back wrote a book - it's called 'Why Girls are Weird' and it's written by Pamela Ribon. I know that no one reads this journal but if someone happens across it please read her book - it's awesome! You can also check out her website at www.pamie.com.

Welcome to the OC, bitch!

2003-08-19T07:48:00.000-04:00

Sitting here drinking coffee – am I more patriotic because I drink Americanos or am I less patriotic because it is said and spelled with an Italian flair? Anyway, found a new favorite cheesy-and-way-too-young-for-how-old-I-should-act show….drum roll…The O C (stands for Orange County). I have a description in the next paragraph so you can skip that paragraph if you want to.

It’s about a rebellious young man with a habit of stealing cars and looking so James Dean in nature while doing so. He went to jail and then his mom (who is no prize herself – very Joan Crawford like) kicked him out of the house after she picked him up from jail (why not just leave him sitting on the side of the road rather than waste gas and time, oh trailer trash queen? Such drama!) He then goes to his lawyer’s house (court appointed I am assuming because I missed the first few minutes of the show – I was hooking up the TV in the bathroom so I could be like Barb and watch TV and take a bubble bath at the same time) and the lawyer’s family takes him in. Then he meets a rather thin but still cute girl from next door, goes to a pretty awesome party (wish we could have parties on the beach like them – oh, wait – we will in Hawaii next year), gets in a fight defending the lawyer’s geeky son and a few other things happen. I have personally lived in ‘The O C’ and don’t remember anything like this going down. Granted, I was like 5 but I still knew what was up. How can TV be SO unlike real life? Who knew?

So anyway, long story short – this is my new favorite show. I have been trying to talk Luke into getting TiVO because it just seems like the coolest thing since – oh, I don’t know – cheese in a can? Now I am just going to have to get it so I can record this show and everything that Christopher Lowell does.

I have now officially sealed my membership in the crazed-TV-show-fan fanclub. I really don't want to be that person who memorizes the resume of their favorite stars on their favorite shows. And, by the way, WHY doesn't the world have a cheesy-teenage-show digest - come on! Hello, writers of Soap Opera Digest - get a clue! As you can see I'm a little snarky so I'm just gonna continue drinking my Americano until something interesting happens around here.

don't do me any favors!

2003-07-18T07:47:00.000-04:00

I talked to the boss today about my staying on part time after I start school - which is something that has always been said that I could do. Apparently, the upper management has changed their idea of how the administrative side of the company should work or 'be structured'. Translation: we may or may not let you work part time. We know that you've worked your ass off for us for three years and have been underpaid for at least two of those years but we are completely looking past that. I am really hurt by this new turn of events - not only because I am only wanting to work part time for two months (which had also been previously approved - like, as of a few weeks ago) but I have worked with all of these people for over three years I and I feel that they at least owe me the courtesy of letting me know before I'm already depending on the extra income. I have one month before the date I will either go part time or terminate my employment.

Sucks, man..... I really enjoyed working here and I really feel that I learned a lot from my experiences here. I don't want my relationships within the company to end badly. Not that I think I'd ever want to come and work here again - I know too much now about everything that goes on to be a 'normal' employee for this company (normal to me = someone who doesn't work in the corporate office and who doesn't know the real truth behind some of the company's actions). I guess I'm just heartbroken because (like an idiot) I had hoped for better treatment than this and I just feel very let down..... I don't want to be pissed off during my last days here. This whole thing is sucking the joy out of this situation but also feeding my desire to just get the hell out and be done. Damn it!

Anxiously Awaiting August

2003-07-15T07:45:00.000-04:00

OK, so hi...sorry I haven't visited for awhile. Been a little busy but that's not really an excuse.

Anyway, anxiously awaiting August 25th - I'm DYING to start school and being a new chapter in my life because I read and re-read this one way too many times. I could repeat from memory the life that I have right now. I'm so ready for a change.

I will vent, write, rant and rave later about my life to date but right now I should work since that IS what they pay me to do!

love/hate relationship with coffee

2003-04-08T07:44:00.000-04:00

I hardly ever drink coffee because.....

it makes my mouth feel all gross afterward

it's too much work to make it when a tea bag takes a couple of seconds

caffeine makes me feel pukey/weird

I am so fortunate to have to make coffee for 10 people who I know won't drink it - they'll come in with Starbucks, as will the person that requested the coffee

it puts me in a cynical mood (can you tell I drank coffee this morning?)

the only creative thing that I get to do at work is arrange the coffee cups in a different way, shape, etc. each time.

Reasons I like coffee.....

it gives me an excuse to feel pukey/weird and then take a nap if I don't want to go to Guitar Center on a Sunday morning

also gives me an excuse to leave the building when I need a break (Starbucks)

you can spike it (on the weekends or on vacation) with Baileys or something equally as yummy

you can't put whipped cream on water - you can, but that would be weird

So, there's my love/hate relationship with coffee - thought I'd share.

bright lights, big city, chicken shits and nice people

2003-04-04T07:43:00.000-05:00

Dude. I’ll start off nicely….How are you today? Good? Fabulous, glad to hear it. Oh, me? I’m fine. No really, I’m fine.

Well, people just piss me off! One thing I will never understand about this area and the drivers is the (what I so brilliantly call) the light flashy thing. When people get mad at you they flash their brights at you. It drives me absolutely insane for some reason. To me it seems so incredibly rude – much more so than flipping someone of, mooning them, calling them everything but a lady/gentleman, ramming your car up the ass of their car OR putting a curse or hex on them.

Any time I see someone light flashy someone else it is because the receiver of the light flashing isn’t going fast enough. Now, this morning, I was looking in the mirror, trying to see if there was something in my eye. The person in front of me was a couple of yards away and we were going about 30-35 in a 45 because it’s always busy in the morning. Then, out of no where I got light flashed (I don’t want to say that I just got flashed because my, uh, reader might be all…oh, yeah…and start making the porn movie noises. Bow chicka bow bow.)

Anyway, I was immediately pissed off. Not only because it was obvious that I could not go any faster but also because about a hundred feet later the guy (who I now refer to very lovingly as 'complete DICK') got into the turning lane…and TURNED! It is beyond me why someone would want to light flashy someone when they know that they are arriving at their destination in a few seconds anyway.

I know I am totally overreacting but it’s just rude. Sometimes I wish I was a huge black man so if someone light flashed me I could just get out of the car and stand there looking pissed and scare the hell out of them. People are just too brave now. I’d never piss someone off in a car – they could very well ram me in the ass or pull out a gun and shoot me. I guess I'm just too nice or just too much of a chicken shit, but they are kinda the same thing, aren't they? If you are nice it is probably because you are too chicken shit to make people feel bad and if you are too chicken shit to do something it is probably because you are too nice. Don't ask me why I am all about the rambling today - I don't know, either.

Knock, knock.....who's there? Yay!

2003-04-03T07:42:00.000-05:00

Today is a new day! I really feel like that McDonald’s commercial where all of the kids sing “Hi there, Mr. Morning! My favorite time of day! Rise and shine it’s Happy Time!”, out of nowhere I am suddenly very chipper and awake. Of course, I went to bed at 9 last night so that probably has a lot to do with it. I just wrote a cast list for this site so that the other person that reads it will know who I’m talking about. I have not yet decided if I want to let my friends and family know that I have this diary yet. I may want to complain and rant about them as well so I don’t know if I really want them knowing what my mind releases about my life when I get near a computer.

Luke has a gig this weekend so I really need to get my bandaid self hyped up and rally a crowd. I hope that this performance goes well for them. Some, or actually almost all, of the places that they have played so far have either cheated them out of money, tried to steal their equipment or just been complete assholes to them, us (when I say us I mean wives, girlfriends, etc.) and the ‘fans’. Some of the venues have even done a combination of those things if not all of them in one night. Who ever said that the Washington, DC area is great for live music must not have a band or live here because I have seen no evidence to prove it. Oh, well, what can you do? I guess I got spoiled while living in Austin because the bar managers and venues really know that the performers and bands bring in a lot of business and they are treated with respect. I miss Austin. Living there was like waking up to a cool spring morning every day. Life there wasn’t stressful, boring or expensive, it was just simple and real life and I really loved it. Maybe we’ll move back someday.

I really need to get a real radio for work – the web radio I listen to keeps crapping out on me and it is really annoying. Every time I get into a song it just stops then the song gets stuck in my head until I reload the radio and start over. Yay!

I will begin to feel like that character on Crank Yankers, if I walk around and ‘yay’ too much more today.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love - it's the only thing that there's just too little of...

2003-04-02T07:41:00.000-05:00

This day could not be any more strange. Wait, I think I might what to take that back in case some one is listening and decides to test me. Sorry for the whole rant yesterday but I did feel better after I had written it all. I know that not one person reads this diary but I'm alright with that. There is some solace in knowing that it's out there for the world to see if they want to.

Luke was really annoying the hell out of me last night, I survived, but I feel like this whole week has been an experiment in testing nerves and what is worse is that the week is only half over! Oh, well, I'm sure I'll make it through. I am beginning to think that the entire country is just hormonal right now. So many weird situations at work - employees getting questioned by the Secret Service, emotional outbursts and the almost daily bitch fest (which I started a few days ago, actually) - I hope that our company is not an accurate picture of what American workplaces are looking like. I already want to quit my job but if it's like this everywhere I might as well just move to a huge plot of land in Montana or somewhere and begin to eke out my own existence. Maybe I should just relax and watch HGTV or TLC when I get home. Nothing will cure a bad day like a decorating show!

entry about nothing

2003-04-01T07:41:00.000-05:00

I’ve been messing with the design of this thing, like, every day. I found out that the gym opens at 5:30AM now, which may be the only thing that will keep me from going off on folks here at work. I am so happy to have a bitch-fest friend at work. I used to not have that and I would just go home and cry or pout or complain. Now, it’s so nice because someone understands why I get all bent out of shape about certain things that people who don’t work here don’t understand. I have eaten two cereal bars today so far and that’s it. I just don’t feel like going through the whole motion of either going to the kitchen and getting the microwavable food or leaving the building to get food. It’s probably good for me that I don’t want to eat because I want to lose 20 pounds by May 25th anyway. God, I hope I don’t look like a huge kiwi in that bridesmaid’s dress! I guess everyone around me will be drinking so they may not notice.

Anyway, my life is really boring. But, I don’t wish something interesting would happen because when I wish that, it’s always something interesting but it also always sucks. God! I wish people wouldn’t ask me where someone at work is. I don’t fucking know! How many times do I have to say I DON’T KNOW!??!?? I am beginning to believe that there is some underground breeding program for dumbasses so they can take over the planet. That’s so depressing – I’m gonna think about something else. Sorry. I’m better.

You’d think by the way that I write that I’m bi-polar or insane or something but I’m not. I’m a very average person that is just having a hard time at work at the moment.

Mental note: I need to buy plane tickets to Texas and South Dakota.

I’m scanning my hard drive right now to clean it up because this thing almost died on me three or four times today and it’s only two o’clock. I’m really hungry now. Should I go for another cereal bar or should I just chuck it all and go to McDonald’s? I have no self control – it’s a wonder I get up in the morning.

Another resume just came in. It’s really interesting reading resumes of people but I wonder if they REALLY know what is said or thought about the words that are so carefully (or in some cases so not carefully) chosen. One guy sent in a resume and said one of his interests was “grilling steaks”. Grilling steaks, huh? I usually never read the interests because most people don’t bother to put that kind of stuff on there, but if we bring him in for an interview or hired him I will forever think of him as the ‘grilling steaks guy’. I don’t know – it was funny at the time. Had to be there…..

OK, I think I’m about done with my rambling for one day. I am beginning to think that this diary is like Seinfeld – about nothing.

sit and wait.....and pout

2003-03-31T07:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I met Kelly and Laura for brunch and bridesmaids dress shopping. Finally found something that really works for all of us. The dress is really awesome – makes things look smaller that I want to look small and makes things look bigger that I wish were. Very 40s styled, Grecian goddess type dress and it’s also cheaper than I had expected, too ($170!).

I got home and a cloud of sadness came over me that I have yet to explain. Have you ever just sat down and felt like crying? Maybe I’m just weird but I just felt like pouting for the rest of the day, with a bunch of cat naps thrown in. Oh, well. I hope I’m not getting depressed again but I can already feel it. I don’t have a whole lot to be sad about but then again, there’s always something. I think I just get tired, of what I don’t know.

My mom is having surgery to remove a lump from her breast. At this point, it’s just a game of sit and wait until the operation. And then another few weeks of sit and wait before the results come back. It’s just wrong – my Mom has finally gotten to a point in her life where she can wake up and feel happy about being alive and enjoy the world without a chemical haze and now this happens.

Storms make trees roots grow deeper. I guess that is all that can be said because it just doesn’t make sense. I have to get my shit together with school. I’m slacking like crazy. I can’t wait to transfer and mentally start over. Sigh. Happy Monday.

Wasting away at work, wish I was in Margaritaville

2003-03-27T07:39:00.000-05:00

I've spent the last coupla days messing with the format of this thing and I've almost got it the way I want it but I know as soon as I'm finished I'll want to change it. I wish I could just get the orchid below the scroll bar without completely fucking up the entire thing. Oh, well. I guess I can always work on it this weekend but I'm just such the immediate gratification person that I feel I need to get it done RIGHT NOW. (insert scream here...)

Work has been interesting. I made the mistake of starting off a bitch fest yesterday and my co workers were more than willing to join in the fun. It's amazing what happens when you get folks talking shop. Nothing interesting is really going on. I taught the dog how to play dead sort of. She just lays on the floor, on her side, with her mouth open and her tongue hanging out smiling. I was hoping to go for a more dramatic "drop dead" approach but it's so cute that it'll have to do. I guess we're gonna go out to celebrate my getting into George Mason. Don't know what I wanna do but I know I want to do something that involves sitting outside and drinking margaritas. Yummy! OK, word of the day is margarita.

It's Happy Time!

2003-03-21T07:37:00.000-05:00

Getting really tired of the same old thing day after day. I am SO looking forward to starting school and not working. I can hardly wait. It’s so hard to concentrate on anything at work when you know that soon you won’t have to be working and that you won’t have to worry about people’s parking passes, bookshelves, offer letters and timesheets. It’s like when you are gonna go to Disneyland and a few weeks before it’s almost like there is no point in coming to work because you are just not focused and almost totally begin not to care. I guess this happens to a lot of people – I wonder how they deal with it?

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my job and the people I work with but at this point in my, uh, ‘career’ I know that I can’t go any further without education. Thank God that I have the chance to really go and complete my degree so I can feel like I’ve accomplished SOMETHING. I have lived with the view that I am somehow inferior because I haven’t finished school. Granted, I’ve completed other things on my life list and others tell me that I have been successful so far in the goals that I have set and how far I have gotten in the corporate world but I just doesn’t matter to me. I work for a government contractor so I see people every day applying for jobs that they are totally qualified or even overqualified for but because they don’t have the 20-40 thousand dollar piece of paper, we can’t even consider them. That to me is very sad.

We live in a country were a business can get into so much trouble for being discriminatory but we can discriminate against people for holding a degree – no matter how much experience they actually have. Life sucks and sometimes makes no sense at all. I’m really cynical today, sorry.

In other news, nothing is going on…..so far, it’s a quiet Friday morning a little before 8AM. The world that I see at work has not arrived yet. I think someday I’m going to aim to have a job where I can just sit at a desk and be left alone. I get so tired of being bothered at work. I sit in an open area and all that go into the offices beside me always have to stop and ask where people are, when they will be back, where they went, etc.

I wish I could have a huge blinking sign that says “I don’t know where (insert name) is, they don’t tell me where they go. I don’t know when they will be back because they keep track of themselves. And, I don’t know where they went because, AGAIN, everyone keeps track of their own schedule. And thank you for asking how my day is going before you bombard me with questions that you know I cannot answer. And, yes, go ahead and play with all of the toys on my desk while you are at it – commenting on each one – and don’t forget to knock all of the sand out of my mini rock garden. Thank you, have a nice day.” OK, I think I need to go take a nap because (obviously) I am cranky.

PUHLEAAASE! Can I have it! NO?!!?!? I'm going to DIE!!!!!

2003-03-20T07:36:00.000-05:00

I played around yesterday with the background and found a really cool one that reminded me of the Lisa Frank folders that I used to beg, plead and said I would die if I didn't get. It's amazing what a 8-10 year old will do for a folder or a couple of pencils with teddy bears and unicorns. Though, I don't think 10 year olds now would. They are too busy playing on their Game Boys, Palm Pilots and cell phones. I hate to sound old but we didn't have that stuff when I was a kid. And, really, I'm not to far from being a kid - I'm still in my early 20s. Now I feel old, remember when your 20s was like the total end of the world? And you'd say "I better drink a lot when I first turn 21 because a year after that I might as well die". Ah, youth.

I went to yoga last night and got a lot out of it. I really love the instructor - she's so cool. Anybody that can lay flat on the floor, on their back, and put their knee to their nose while the other leg is still laying on the floor - you gotta' give them props (jesus! props??? I might as well begin eating dinner at 4PM at the rate I am going today!)

Nothing interesting will go on today, I bet. Other than the obvious things that are going on in the world, of course. I don't want to use the words 'shout out' or 'peeps' but I don't know any other way to say hi to my friends over in that area right now. Kick ass, take names and then come home so we can drink beer, bullshit and eat bbq! There is something so comforting knowing some of the people involved in this war. I couldn't imagine a group more dedicated, intelligent and loving people than my friends and family in the service. They are the reason I am so confident that we will succeed with whatever we set out to do. OK, enough seriousness for now.

University of the Drunken dog Momma

2003-03-18T07:33:00.000-05:00

I got my acceptance letter yesterday from GMU. So that's over, I don't need to worry about that anymore. I am now in the process of trying to find apparel for my parents because I know that they will be asking for all manner of t-shirts, bumperstickers and whatever else to proclaim that I indeed attend college. Though I am sure if they had them and if it applied my parents would proudly wear a shirt that said something to the effect of "my daughter dropped out of college to be in a ska band, lost all of her scholarships and works at a Tastee Freeze" (...and all I got was this lousy t-shirt). Ah, parents - gotta love them!

We put our dog in a kennel while we were skiing and I went to pick her up yesterday. I was a really concerned 'dog mom' over the weekend and even called on Saturday to see how she was doing. When I went to pick her up I heard her coming down the hallway with her little nails scraping the tile and as soon as she saw me she proceeded to lay down on the floor, roll over and, yes, pee. It was kinda sad and cute at the same time. I felt like a parent who's childs diaper gave way. Apparently, it happens all of the time when dogs see their momma or daddy after a few days. I must say I'm glad that I don't up and pee when I see my parents. That would be a sight - in the middle of the airport - next to the baggage claim. But if I met them on, say, the streets of NYC I am sure people wouldn't even turn my direction.

God bless New Yorkers - they are the coolest damn people in the entire world. We went there for St. Patrick's Day two years ago (Wooo-hew!) and had a blast. Everyone was so incredibly friendly even when our friend Quentin was hurling in the city's ashtrays and trashcans - hey, it's St. Patrick's Day, man - it's ain't a real holiday without some form of bodily fluid being released in public. You can take that sentence whatever way you want, you perv.